Go with the Currents -- Enjoy the Ride!

This is a bit of a raw post for me, but I promised to bring you on this adventure with me, and that includes the hard as well as the happy.

Over the past week, I've noticed that I have had conditions on my service to God here.  I expected him to be with me.  I expected to be strong.  I expected to do miracles.  I expected to be able to handle the challenges without struggling, to face them without fear. 

I expected it to feel easy. 
I expected to be in control...

Reality?

I am in over my head.
I am not strong.
I am not in control.
Things are not going the way I'd planned.

As I remember the theme of the messages I've been listening to from home, a series called "The Wave," I am struck by the parallels I am feeling in it.  So, 6 months ago, I started praying for the wave God wanted me to ride, not the ones I wanted.  I saw it, got my board to it, and with God's help, I caught the biggest wave of my life.  It brought me to Kiev.  It brought me to my Promised Land.  And it's been quite a rush!

But now I feel like I've fallen from my board and am being swept along tumultuously by opposing currents.  For the first time, I'm completely aware of how exposed I am to the dangers of the deep waters this wave brought me to.  It wasn't supposed to be like this!  My eyes tightly shut against the burning salt water already rushing up my nose, I panic.  Hold your breath, Shaela!  Survival time.  Kick, fight, swim!  Where am I?  Are there sharks?  Where's the surface?  I can't breathe!

God's reply to all of this? 

Relax...
Stop fighting...
Let go...
Surrender to the currents...

Trust me.

My heart screams, "But, God, I'm scared!  I wasn't supposed to fall off the wave--I was supposed to stay balanced, to stay above the wind and waves.  I was supposed to walk on water.  You were supposed to protect me!"

Let go, Shaela.  Let go of your expectations.  Let go of how you think I'll work out good in your life.  Let go of "supposed to" and "have to," "should" and "must."  They are anvils that will drag you down.  Let go of "perfection" and cling to me.  I'm your board--I'm your lifesaver.  I will bring you to the surface.

And, together, we will find you a new wave...

Enjoy the ride, Shae.  Here comes another one!
________________________________

Where are you in God's ocean?  Enjoying the ride?  Or, like me, have you been fighting the currents instead of letting them carry you onto the next wave?

One thing is becoming clearer to me: I am not in control. 
I don't know where the surface is.
I am not strong enough to make it to shore on my own.
Better just relax and go with the currents...

And enjoy the ride!

Jehova Rapha: The God Who Heals

Today I met a wonderful man with a wonderful testimony of God's healing power.

Meet Hannes Pelser, a 51-year-old man from the Free State in South Africa.  He shared his story with us at lunch, and happily agreed to let me share it with you now.

It all started in 1993.  Hannes was on the brink of divorce due to his alcoholism and unmanageable anger.  Hannes relates how, on June 8th, he accepted the Lord and became a believer.  He started to live for God, but his life was threatened when, exactly one year later, on June 8th of 1994, he was diagnosed with severe cancer.  They found it in his lymph, and it riddled the bone of his neck.  He also had a brain tumor the size of a pigeon's egg.

After learning of his condition, Hannes went inside the hospital chapel, got on his knees, and prayed, "Lord, heal me to be a witness for you."

The doctors told Hannes' wife that he had 2 weeks to live, at most, 6 months.  They sent him home, and his health rapidly declined.  Even his vision began to dim.  Finally, when Hannes felt his life draining away, he felt God put 3 scriptures on his heart:

• Matthew 19:26, "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'"
• Matthew 21:22, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
• James 5:14, "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord."

James especially stood out to him one day, and he called one of his former drinking buddies.  He left a message asking him to come over.  His friend happened to be in the neighborhood and had stopped by later that day by chance.  (Or was it?)

That's when James 5:14 again came to mind, and Hannes asked his friend to anoint and pray for him to be healed.  Though his friend was not a believer, once he was done asking for healing, Hannes said that all pain was gone.  This same friend, 5 years later, became a believer.

Meanwhile, Hannes continued to gain strength and to pray that if God would heal him, he would be a witness for God.  A return check-up at the hospital in December of 1995 revealed that all cancer had completely disappeared from his body.  Even the original x-rays which showed his brain tumor had been cleaned!  No trace of a tumor remained.  It was as if it had never existed.

He had even been healed of his epilepsy! 

True to his word, Hannes has been going on missions for the past 15 years, spreading the good news that God heals, and praying for people to believe and follow the Lord.  Which is why we ran into him here in Kiev.

Hannes' story reminds us of what a completely surrendered life looks like.  "Wherever and however you want me to serve you, Lord, use me to testify of your mercy and miracle-working power."

We may suffer--Hannes suffered, as did the woman who had bled for 12 years before she touched Jesus' cloak and was healed--yet the God Who Heals specializes in turning pain into possibility, and misery into miracles.  Our God is a god who heals!

Lean On Me

So, here I am in bed at 9:37am, with a fuzzy head and a lingering temperature.  I'm listening to "Lean On Me" sung by Bill Withers as I consider which songs to teach the Teens for the 2 Teen Camps coming up.  These lyrics suddenly hit me:

"Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show."

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking about this in my friendships.  Do I let people see my needs?  I almost didn't want to tell people I'm sick, because I don't want them to think I'm complaining or that I'm a baby.

I went to a seminar on Schema Therapy my first week in Kiev, and they taught about different core needs every human being has.  There are ways we interpret these needs not being met, which become life traps that are triggered later in life.  These are unhealthy, distorted views on reality. (I'd even call them lies from Satan, if you want to take a Biblical perspective.)

I am realizing that one of the big lies I've believed is that my needs are bad, and I shouldn't have any.  Since I can't seem NOT to have them, I try to hide these wicked needs so that people don't figure out that there's something wrong with me (another big lie I've believed) for having them, and so won't abandon me or stop loving me (yet another lie).

Yet, as the song talks about, we all have needs.  We ALL need somebody to lean on.  This means YOU, Shaela.

"Nooooo!  I don't need anything.  I'm fine!  See?" *coughcough, wobble, crash*

And what does this do for my relationships?  Keeps them at a safe distance.  You can't leave or abandon what you never had.  You can't hurt what you can't touch.

And so my heart stays safe, hidden...alone.

Sometimes, it wakes up
in the darkness,
frightened,
reaching out
in the emptiness,
calling for help,
for friendship,
for love...!

But then remembers the
pain of rejection
when it has reached outside
before and been slapped away,
and so curls up with itself
again, 
alone,
and cries itself
to sleep.

Hmm...amazing that I forget so quickly that I am not alone in these feelings, in these needs.  Amazing how quickly I forget the truth.

So, let me try to reach out again, at the risk of being hurt, for the hope of being loved.  Let me tell my friends that I need them, that I want them in my life, that I am weak and cannot do this on my own.  Let me admit that I have and will fail them, though I wish I hadn't and never will again.  Let me ask for their mercy, for their forgiveness, for their love and affection, for I NEED them.  And--(I have to believe)--they actually need me, too.

What do you think?  Do you have any needs you're afraid to let show?  Maybe they've gone unmet in the past...

Thankfully, we can always reach for God, who will never disappoint these needs that draw us back to him.

Themes from God

Do you ever feel God speaking to you directly?  Like he's trying to get your attention, in a way that is special, just for you?  Or driving home truth to your heart, where it can change your life?

If not, I highly recommend asking him to do just that.

For the past few months, I've noticed God giving me little recurring themes at different periods of time.  For instance, the week or two before my trip, the word "angel" kept popping up in songs on the radio, and I'd feel like God was saying, "You're that to me."  An angel is a ministering servant, according to the Bible, but it is also a term of endearment I associate coming from a father-figure or loved one.  I wanted to believe God loved me like that.  It came up again in different ways.  Friends would say, "Hello, Angel," and I don't recall them ever calling me that before.  Or another friend used a little angel icon in chat to represent me.

Then, after I arrived in Kiev, I started reading scriptures that randomly tied in to the Promised Land, or Promises, about Noah, or Moses, and I kept thinking about a specific promise God made me almost 3 years ago, that one day my deepest desires and longings would be fulfilled.  I had asked him for a sign to know it was for me, not just a general scripture, and he gave me one.  I've never been so sure of anything in my life.  Now, it seemed that God was telling me that Kiev represented the fulfillment of that promise...the land where my dreams would come true.  Again, little things would pop up--a rainbow in the sky, two days in a row, a rainbow card in my Bible I hadn't noticed before, the lyrics of songs on my iPod saying, "He will keep his promise"," or a song written by a friend saying, "I believe he's made a rainbow just for you...."  Coincidences that can't be coincidences if you just allow yourself to believe.  For days, that theme rang in my heart.  I felt God reassuring me, because I had been feeling very afraid that these happy times would eventually come to an end, and I'd be back to where I started.  But I felt God promising me that I would never feel completely destroyed and alone again.  That he was promising to bless me from here on out, like Job after being tested and found true.  The hardest times of my life are over...that's so hard for me to believe, but thank God he doesn't give up on helping me see it.

Speaking of sight, that brings me to my latest theme.  When Chris first saw me on Facebook, he wondered what kind of name "Shaela" was, so looked it up.  He's told me it means "blind" or, a more preferred meaning, "from the fairy palace."  There have been many scriptures coming up this past week on blindness.  Ever since I learned about my name's meanings, I thought, "That's true--I can be very blind to who I am, or how people can love me."  For those that know me, I can be a very insecure person, and yet I don't feel insulted by that name meaning.  Like the words of Amazing Grace, I once was 'blind', but now I'm 'from the fairy palace'.  God's grace has made me royalty, a fairy angel, worthy, special, and filled with light.  Now I just need helping believing that...really "seeing" myself as God does.  So, this week's theme: being healed of blindness.

Yesterday in church, they read a scripture that related how Jesus had come "so that the blind might see."

Even this morning, I noticed for the first time that my stuffed animal named Jehova Rapha ("God who heals"), had no eyes or nose.  The dog in the apartment I'm staying at had ripped them off!  ("Niet, Cooper!")  So I got out my superglue and put Rapha back together.  God really does heal.  Then I remembered my theme..."I once was blind, but now I see," and again, I felt God telling me that he was going to answer my prayers.  Yep, I had started to pray for discernment last week...that I'd see myself the way God does, to see the needs around me, and the best way to meet them.  I've been told more than a few times by close friends that I lack discernment, and I finally asked God to give it to me, because trying to get it on my own hasn't worked.  That's like a blind man trying to do Lasik surgery on themselves!

So, here we are, in the week of Blindness, and my prayer is, "God, give me YOUR eyes.  I want to see your vision in my life."

How about you?  Is there something God has been trying to get through to your heart lately?  If you're not sure, try praying to hear his voice, and what theme he wants your heart to believe.

The First Blog in Kiev - Catching Up on Events

I've been in Kiev for over 2 weeks now, and I'm finally getting a chance to blog.  It's been a busy and exciting first 18 days!

I'll summarize my impressions so far:

The weather is hot and humid.  The city is filled with lush trees sprinkled between tall, dingy buildings.  The streets are dusty and broken in places.  Wires for buses and electricity span the roads.

People keep to themselves.  They are concerned about their own world, and seem distrustful and guarded toward strangers.  I speak of the older generation.  Children are just as curious and open here as anywhere in the world.  No wonder Jesus said to be like little children...

I get stared at on the Metro.  Sometimes I'll stare back, but usually just try to blend in so as not to offend anyone (which apparently is easy to do here, especially if you're an outgoing/outspoken foreigner with different customs and habits than the natives are used to).  One of my friends said I shouldn't whistle on the street!  I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from humming as I walk--I don't care who stares...

The Metro itself is a mini war-zone getting a seat or walking through the lines.  Some people don't wait for others to exit the train before entering.  Perhaps you could compare it to driving in LA or New York.  You adapt, or you get left behind.  I've adapted, but I hope to bring a flare of respect to the process as I assert myself.  "Izvenite," I say warmly, but firm.  That is the polite way to say, "Excuse me," in Russian.  It seems to work.

The church is great here.  Everyone is friendly and warm--a total contrast to the culture, which I always find amazing about disciples.  I still haven't mastered the names, but it helps that if I can't remember someone, I can guess very easily.  Names get reused a lot here.  I think I've met 20 Sashas (a nickname for both males and females), 15 Tanyas, 8 Loshas, and 13 Olgas.  Oh, and maybe 10 Natashas.  That's just a rough guess, though.  Hehehe.

I've met a few fellow foreigners already, and expect that this will be my biggest outreach until I speak more Russian.  Only 3 days after I arrived, I had some great conversations about God with a British man and a Ukrainian who speaks English very well.  People are people, no matter where you go.  They're hurt, lost, and looking for true acceptance and friendship.  As the Good Book says, "What a man desires is unfailing love."

A few days later, I got to go to a cafe concert where some native English-speakers played, and they even let me sing one of my songs at the end, thanks to the urging of my friend and roommate here, Petra.  I met a few English students afterward who are excited to speak with me (I am seeing that Americans are almost like celebrities here...), and even ran into one randomly in the city the next day.

I recently returned from a 5-day camping trip to an island in a river just outside of Kiev.  It was an adventure of survival and beautiful skies.  (Seriously, the skies here feel 3 times the size as back home.  It's so...vast and out of reach!)  No running water, and no bathrooms except for a hole dug in the ground!  Ha!  Talk about roughing it.  Like a character said in "To Kill a Mockingbird," it's amazing what you can adjust to, as a human being.  We adapt.  We get used to a certain way of living...and I realized from this trip how little I truly need to survive and be happy.

Even though not many people on the island spoke English, I was able to bond, connect, and share some fun memories playing guitar or throwing a Frisbee on the white-sand shore of the river.  The river itself wasn't the cleanest, as people in the Ukraine don't have convictions about littering, but I still swam a couple of times.  It was too hot NOT to!  And it was fun to have a few water-wars with the Teens here.  Reminded me of Preteen Camp in LA!

Speaking of hot, that's another thing I've noticed here.  The sun is more intense.  I feel like an ant under a magnifying glass just standing in the sun for 10 seconds.  I've gained at least 20 new freckles, I'm sure of it.  I almost don't recognize myself!

Me and Chris at his 35th birthday party the day after I arrived.

Oh, did I mention I now have a boyfriend?    He's been on a mission in Kiev for the past 4 years, and is the contact I've been working through most to coordinate my trip.  We've been getting to know each other through email and Skype for the past 6 months, and though I came to Kiev to serve and do mission-work, I knew the friendship was special, and hoped it might lead to more.  I definitely wasn't expecting it so soon, though, just 10 days after my arrival!  I thought we'd just continue to be friends as we both served and got to know each other in-person.  It seems that Chris and God had other plans--hehehe--but I'm not complaining! 

Really, I'm so grateful for Chris.  He's been an incredible support and friend through this entire process, and continues to amaze me with his kindness and patience.  This wouldn't have been the same without him, and I feel absolutely spoiled by God to have such a wonderful man looking after me on this wild adventure.

Okay, friends, you're caught up, now.  Check back every week or two.  This month will be busy (I'm going to 2 more Teen Camps from August 15th to the 29th), but I'll be posting more regularly here on out, with more observations, good news, and adventures to share!