Go with the Currents -- Enjoy the Ride!

This is a bit of a raw post for me, but I promised to bring you on this adventure with me, and that includes the hard as well as the happy.

Over the past week, I've noticed that I have had conditions on my service to God here.  I expected him to be with me.  I expected to be strong.  I expected to do miracles.  I expected to be able to handle the challenges without struggling, to face them without fear. 

I expected it to feel easy. 
I expected to be in control...

Reality?

I am in over my head.
I am not strong.
I am not in control.
Things are not going the way I'd planned.

As I remember the theme of the messages I've been listening to from home, a series called "The Wave," I am struck by the parallels I am feeling in it.  So, 6 months ago, I started praying for the wave God wanted me to ride, not the ones I wanted.  I saw it, got my board to it, and with God's help, I caught the biggest wave of my life.  It brought me to Kiev.  It brought me to my Promised Land.  And it's been quite a rush!

But now I feel like I've fallen from my board and am being swept along tumultuously by opposing currents.  For the first time, I'm completely aware of how exposed I am to the dangers of the deep waters this wave brought me to.  It wasn't supposed to be like this!  My eyes tightly shut against the burning salt water already rushing up my nose, I panic.  Hold your breath, Shaela!  Survival time.  Kick, fight, swim!  Where am I?  Are there sharks?  Where's the surface?  I can't breathe!

God's reply to all of this? 

Relax...
Stop fighting...
Let go...
Surrender to the currents...

Trust me.

My heart screams, "But, God, I'm scared!  I wasn't supposed to fall off the wave--I was supposed to stay balanced, to stay above the wind and waves.  I was supposed to walk on water.  You were supposed to protect me!"

Let go, Shaela.  Let go of your expectations.  Let go of how you think I'll work out good in your life.  Let go of "supposed to" and "have to," "should" and "must."  They are anvils that will drag you down.  Let go of "perfection" and cling to me.  I'm your board--I'm your lifesaver.  I will bring you to the surface.

And, together, we will find you a new wave...

Enjoy the ride, Shae.  Here comes another one!
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Where are you in God's ocean?  Enjoying the ride?  Or, like me, have you been fighting the currents instead of letting them carry you onto the next wave?

One thing is becoming clearer to me: I am not in control. 
I don't know where the surface is.
I am not strong enough to make it to shore on my own.
Better just relax and go with the currents...

And enjoy the ride!