Back in LA...for now.

Dear blog-followers,

It has been an incredible, emotion-filled 9-month journey to the Ukraine and back.  I am writing this post in the Pacific Standard Time zone again.  Yep, I moved back to LA.  My visa in the Ukraine had run its course, and so I must stay out of the country for 3 months, or get another visa before I can return again.  I want very badly to return next spring, as the trees and plants were just beginning to grow leaves again when I left.  We will see.

I am so grateful to God for everything I learned and experienced on this journey.  It was hard to say goodbye to my new family in Kiev.  It will be a wonderful joy to return to them again someday.  I pray for the opportunity to visit again soon.

In the meantime, I am happy to see my old friends again, and look forward to seeing what new adventures God is leading me to here in Los Angeles.  He has provided me a wonderful home to live in, new friendships to invest in, and new hearts to win for Christ.

I feel so refreshed and grateful to be able to speak to people about God and invite them to church again...at least, in a much deeper way than I could in Kiev.  I can't wait to study the Bible again with those who are seeking to know God.  It's just amazing to be able to connect with so many people again in English.

So, until the Lord leads me to another city, another country, or another continent, I will continue to practice putting my trust and security in Him here in LA.  And no matter where I go, I want always to remember that my true citizenship is in heaven, and wherever God is, there I am home.

Until my next blog, farewell dear readers.  До Свидания. (Dasvedania.)

Banya - A Russian Treat!

Although I haven't yet experienced the authentic banya (where you are essentially beaten with special branches by trained beaters inside the sauna), I must say I have fallen in love with the tradition of a Russian Banya.  They are like sauna's back home, getting as hot as about 100ºC, and modern ones can include a separate steam room.  They also furnish a pool with icy water to dip in between sauna sessions, and a lounge area for drinking tea, eating snacks, listening to music, and otherwise enjoying company.


You can rent these special rooms and saunas by the hour, for a select number of people, and I am excited to share this experience with a handful of my closest friends this week for my birthday.  It is a very bonding and relaxing time, and I am very grateful to experience this before I say farewell to my friends and life here in Kiev.

It's a time of cleansing and renewal, and as I face a new journey ahead of me, filled with doubts and unknowns, I can't think of anything better with which to usher in the beginning of my 29th year in this crazy adventure we call life.

As they say here after someone comes out of a banya (which I think means something like "happy steaming" or "hope you had a good steam":   

С легким паром!  (S legkim parom!)

Farwells and Fondness - Petra

Dear friends and blog-followers,

I'm writing this feeling quite a lot of mixed emotions.

Sadness, fear,
Joy, gratitude,
and a heart filled with
love...

I'm so grateful for the friendships I've made here in Kiev. 
I'm going to miss them so much. 

In the next two weeks, as I prepare to move back to America for an undetermined time, I will blog about the different feelings I experience, and the people and things that have affected me on my trip.

Today, I want to say thank you to a very special person.

Petra, my sweet-naughty roommate who knows just how to push people's buttons and make them feel loved at the same time.  I'm going to miss our Sudoku and Eli Stone times.  I'm going to miss your muffins.  I'm going to miss our honest talks–which leave me feeling either inspired, convicted, comforted, or challenged, yet always accepted.  You've allowed me to be myself, bumps (or lack thereof) and all.  You've laughed with me, cried with me, and been a mentor, a best-friend, and a true sister to me.  You've been abundantly patient, unconditionally kind, and completely authentic in our friendship.  I will never forget you, or be the same, because I knew you.  Thank you for your love, your maturity, and your friendship.  And thank God for bringing us together.  Kiev–honestly, my life–wouldn't be the same without you.

I love you very much, and look forward to the time when our paths cross again, whether that be in Kiev, Slovenia, Africa, or LA.  Wherever the Lord carries our gypsy hearts, you'll always be a part of mine.

До свидания, Моя подруга.

With all my heart,
Shaela

P.S.
Remember our 10-year agreement.

Life is a Mist...

I'm writing this in a state of some shock.

Last week, a young sister in the Kiev church (Vika), who was only about 30 years old, died from liver failure.  Just today, a brother (Stass) in the Odessa church died of pneumonia at the blossoming age of 22.

Recently experiencing some health-concerning symptoms of my own, I can't help but feel the truth of Solomon's observations in Ecclesiastes: swirling with activity one minute, dissipating in sunlight the next, our lives are a mist.

How will you live yours?

A Night with Our King in Kiev

I know I've been quiet for a while, here, but there've been some great things happening in Kiev, lately, and it would just be a shame not to share them with you.  So, let's start with the most recent event, shall we?

"A Night with Our King" in Kiev

Back home, we have an annual event around Valentine's Day called "A Night with Our King" meant to encourage single sisters by making God's special love for them more tangible and personal.  It's an intimate evening, and much more elaborate than I can explain now, but well worth the effort.

As Valentine's approached, God put it on my heart to host a small version of this tradition to share with my friends in Kiev.  I had been sick on Valentine's Day, when I had originally planned to schedule it, so decided to see who was available last-minute for the following Saturday (the 19th).  I sent a mass SMS, and four of my friends were able to attend: Olya, Natasha, Julia, and my roomie, Petra.

My other roomie, Sonya, had just cleaned the house with Petra's help, and I lit candles and prepared tea with Julia while the other girls arrived.  I put on the CD I still had from last year's event, which had on it a collection of love-songs through which various women felt God singing to them.

We all sat in a circle with tea and candlelight, and learned about how God offers us engagement with him like grooms did in Jesus' time.  We drew parallels between the Jewish custom of marriage in that day with the analogy of how Christ loves us (the church) as a bride.  As was custom in Jesus' day, each sister was given a coin to represent the offer of engagement Christ offers as our groom.  We also learned about how the bride and her maids would wait, and keep the oil lamp burning to light the way of the groom.  We watched video clips to bring the scriptures to life, listened to a personalized love-letter from Jesus, and had great discussion about how we could faithfully and pateintly wait for the true love we longed for--Christ!

We all felt very special and loved by God.  Some sisters commented that they had never experienced something like this, and asked if we could do it more often, to which another replied, "You can host the next one."


I hope this tradition continues long after I've gone.  It is so good to see an idea God placed on one sister's heart acted on, and watch how God is now using her effort and others' to cause ripples around the world.  Thanks, Jen, and everyone who helped make these evenings possible.  May the ripples continue to spread, and may the lamp continue to burn!

Tough Times

I just told my roommate that there should be a manual for missionaries.  Is there a book out there I can read to get my role on straight?

As a first-year teacher--and I heard it from every teacher I know--the first year was the toughest.  That summer, I got a great tip from a colleague to read The First Days of School: How to be an Effective Teacher, and I applied everything it recommended, trusting its findings from years of experienced teaching nation-wide.  It worked!  The 2nd year was a completely different animal.  I loved it, and I really felt like I had grown.

If only there was a similar formula I could follow for giving up your life and everything you love to embrace a culture that you are a stranger to.  Then again, I think that's what makes missions such a refining experience.  You have to go through it to learn how to get through it.

Anyway, I just got back from a month in South Africa, (sorry for the long silence, here), for the holidays, and for vacation.  It was an amazing experience I'll have to blog more about later, since it's nearly 1am Kiev time.

Until then, Merry belated Christmas, and Happy New Year!

A Rainbow Dream...or Vision

This post is going to be long, so if you have the time and interest to follow me through it, pull up a comfy chair, grab a cup of coffee or tea, and join me as I process my latest experiences in Kiev.

Monday, December 6th, 10:15am-ish:

I've been wondering how much I should disclose in my blogs.  How raw should one get on the internet?  Maybe I'm not very wise.  Maybe I'm pretty foolish.  But I believe that I'm not alone in what I feel, and what I'm going through.  I believe that what I'm going through might encourage someone, somewhere, out there, over the rainbow...

Speaking of rainbows, do you remember my previous blogs when I first arrived in Kiev?  I felt God establishing his covenant of blessing with me by having rainbows come up in different aspects of my day, in different ways, for days in a row.  I really felt like God was saying, "Look, Shaela, I know you left everything to follow me calling you out here, but I promise that I'm giving you a hope and a future greater than you can possibly imagine.  I'm going to bless you and never drop you or abandon you.  You've been asking to be my friend in 2010--you trusted me enough to give up your life of comfort and security on faith that I was asking you to.  I won't disappoint you.  This won't be for nothing--in fact, it will be for my glory and your credit, just as you've been desiring.  It will be credited to you as righteousness."  ("Follow You" by Leeland is playing on the Pandora radio station I made called, "God Speak to My Heart" as I write this...here are the lyrics.)

So, the rainbow has become a significant sign of God's promise to me, like Noah, that he would never strip me of everything I love again, that he would be my home, and provide for me and bless me tangibly with deep friendships and a feeling of a stable and consistent family.  That he would use me to do great things for him...to make a difference to others...

Lately, I've been doubting this promise.  I've been doubting God, honestly.  I apologize to him almost every day for my lack of faith, and I ask him to give me more, because I feel uncertain about my future here in Kiev.  I've been reading the Bible over (I've only read it once through completely, and I want to change that...so I decided to put a bookmark in my bible and keep reading until I finish it--even if it's only 1 chapter a day, and to keep doing that for the rest of my life.)

So, anyway, I'm in Genesis, and I'm reading about Abram (Abraham's name before God changed it).  I really feel God speaking to my heart.  Abram left his home and comfort because he trusted God when He asked Abram to leave, assuring him that He would bless him.  Yet Abram faced a famine on the journey, and began to doubt that God would protect him on the way to this great promise.  (I feel like I am experiencing a certain famine of fellowship and camaraderie here.  I think I feel isolated, or like I don't really belong.)

Abram chose to protect himself by getting his wife to say she was only his sister.  This almost caused others to sin, if God had not stepped in to reveal Abram's deceit.  Yet, God still considered Abram a friend, and promised to bless him beyond his wildest imagination.  And Abram expressed his disappointment in God's promise, since God hadn't given him an heir for everything God would give him.  So God assured him that he would have descendants more numerous than the stars or grains of sand.  And Abram STILL went along with his wife taking matters into her own hands, by sleeping with her servant to get an heir.

I feel as thick as Abram lately.  I feel like I'm taking precautions in my mind, in case God doesn't come through for me like I believed he said he would.  (Woah, this is humbling just writing.)  I feel like I've been developing back-up plans if this trip should turn out to be another mistake I made in discerning the voice of God.  I've been imagining a brighter future for myself, taking matters into my own mind, which is just a step before taking them into my own hands.

Seriously!  I don't feel like God is protecting me from the things I've feared--nor do I feel him blessing me as I imagined he'd promised.  Yet, like Abram, I'm realizing that when God makes promises, he gives us time and tests before fulfilling them--to allow hope to grow.  Hope in him.  Faith that he will make good on his promises.  When God makes promises, there is usually a period of waiting, and trials which provide us with the choice to trust and obey, to follow, even when we don't understand how this painful and winding road will lead to the promised land.

I don't feel like I'm making much of a difference here, but then again, everyone I confess that to tells me that I'm doing more than they are, or others...that I am making a difference to them.  Yet, I feel afraid that I am disappointing God, that I'm not doing what he brought me here to do.  This thought usually comes with an image of who I should be (so much more than I am), or a comparison to how much better someone else would be for this missionary role.

Yet, I look back over the last five months (I can't believe I've been here for almost five months!), and I see what God has allowed me to be part of:

• Three teen camps in one month, leading to 3 teen baptisms soon after.
• A baptism, and current follow-up studies with Julia.  We get together every week, on Wednesday, have dinner, and read the scriptures of one of the 10 follow-up studies from my church back home, the Turning Point.
• Julia is actually translating the studies into Russian after we go through them, and our Bible Talk has begun to go through the studies separately with the guys and girls, so that we are all on the same page.
• Halloween party with great fun and fellowship with guests and friends.
• I've made friends with a missionary couple from the states who are very kind and helpful.
• Chris and I have made friends with a foreign couple who are really fun and friendly, Barry and Linda.  Barry is from Ireland, and Linda is from Chris' home, South Africa.  We watched a rugby game together and had a blast watching the Springboks win against England (go Boks!).  We are hoping to hang out again next week.
• Thanksgiving dinner with our church small group.  Great bonding!
• Denise (one of the brothers in our family group) and Sasha (one of the girls I got to know and watch become a Christian shortly after I came to Kiev) took me out shopping for warm clothes on Saturday.  
• They presented me with an offering taken up by the group on my behalf, to help me afford some really good boots and a jacket to get me through Kiev's bitterest winters.  I was so touched.  Thank you, guys...I feel very warm and protected in my new down and fur.
• Having fun and friendly conversations with numerous English-speaking guests at our small group events.
• I'm really getting to know the people in our family group.  They are each incredible, and I can't wait to be able to speak to them more fluently.
• Though I'm not as fluent in Russian as I wanted to be, I am able to say a few things now, and to understand things I couldn't before.  I'm making progress, though slower than I'd hoped to.

Wow...writing all of that totally encourages me!  God has done a lot in five months!  It's just so easy to doubt sometimes, when we don't understand what's going on, or when we compare ourselves to someone else, or just to our own high expectations.

What inspired me to write this blog was a dream, or vision, I had last night.  I didn't realize it might be from God until later, but it hit me like an epiphany when I did.

I've been having dreams of home and my past friendships almost every night for the past few days, and home has been weighing on my heart for weeks.  Last night, I prayed in my heart for God to help my dreams to be more righteous, so that I don't wake up feeling more doubt or regret or longing for the past.

Well, last night I did have another dream about home.  I dreamed that I was in some kind of elementary school, and all of the preteens from my ministry ran out to greet me, because I had just landed and come home to LA.  I hugged them with tears in my eyes from joy, and told them how I'd missed them.  Then we started devotional, and Brandon was there being his usual crazy, inspiring, giving youth-leader self, and it started raining.  Everyone squealed with delight, and then as Brandon was speaking, tying in spiritual points to the analogy of a storm, I had a "Double Rainbow Guy" moment and shouted in awe as I pointed behind them all at the most glorious, vibrant, and unique rainbow I had ever seen.

We all turned our heads to where I pointed, where the rainbow started in a traditional arch, then suddenly twisted as another line of rainbow bowed symmetrically around the other side of the arch.  (I wish I could draw it for you...)  But it didn't stop there.  Oh no...

As our eyes followed the rainbow shaft higher into the sky, trying to find where it ended, we gazed in wonder as it twisted horizontally, and took on the shape of a red vine liquorice stripe, then a Twizzler's pull-and-peel, where two bands of glowing color (from violet to blue and red hues) wound around each other and looped in the sky like a rollercoaster track.  It contorted in so many different shapes and colors, elegant and ethereal, before dipping down across the other side of the sky, to connect finally, beautifully, with the other edge of the horizon.

In the dream, I pulled out my camera and hastily began to snap a panoramic photo, trying to line up the edges of the rainbow with the edges from the last photo, to get one long, connected image of the miracle surrounding us.  I had a hard time getting the best angles for the shot, as the rainbow twisted spectacularly and made it difficult to capture.  Everyone told me to hurry, and gave opinions on how to take the pictures, but then someone else told them to hush so that I could concentrate and get the shots before the rainbow disappeared.  But it wasn't disappearing.  It was staying as bright and vibrant as a technicolor movie.

Again, when I woke up, I was stabbed anew with longing for home, but this time with more hope for being in Kiev.  I remembered the joy I feel serving in youth ministries, and remember what Shawn Wooten told me once here, how "You're magic with children--you're like a magnet."  That's what I wanted to do when I came here--help with the youth ministries...help with the orphanages.  (I think I'll explore how I can help them, again.)

Then I remembered the rainbow in the dream, and the connection of rainbows to God's promise to me.  And I felt so strongly that I need to stay here in Kiev, for as long as God wants me here, and I need to stop entertaining the idea that I can go home and start over...rebuild my life the way I remembered it.

I need to let go of the memories of my comfort as much as I needed to let go of the comfort to begin with.  I need to live here in Kiev, heart and soul, until God calls me home.  This is my home--I need to make this my home.

That thought scares me.  I've clung to the idea that I still have a home in LA, waiting for me should this trip not work out according to my desires.  Now I feel God telling me, once again, to let go of my life-lines, and to cling only to him and the path (or roller-coaster rainbow track) he's charted for me.  That scares the tar out of me...

But what other choice do I have?  It's God's way or bust.

In the words of Asaph, who wrote Psalm 73, "Whom have I in heaven but you, Lord?  And Earth has nothing I desire besides you."

So, though I'm riddled with doubt and fear, I will follow you, God.  Wherever it is, and however long it takes to get there, I will follow you.  I want to be your friend...I want you to feel my trust in you.  I want you to know that I believe you love me as a friend, and see that I love you, too.

Stay with me, God.  I'm not leaving you.  Even if the world throws me into the furnace, I'm not giving up on you...I'm not giving you up.

What promises has God made you that you find yourself doubting?
Believe that God won't give up on you...and don't give up on him.  Let's wait and see how he fulfills his promise, just like he did to our fathers/mothers of faith in Hebrews 11.  Let's take him at his word and follow him, even when we think he's leading us astray.  Let's believe he knows better than we do, let's suspend our belief in the way things have worked for us, and let's believe in miracles...

And let us remember that rainbows can only be seen after a storm...

Thanksgiving Weekend in Kiev

Happy belated Thanksgiving, everyone!

It's been a little longer than usual since my last post, but I have had an amazing Thanksgiving weekend here in Kiev.  :)  I love sharing my favorite traditions with new friends who have never experienced them before, and who appreciate them as much as I do.

My Thanksgiving traditions usually included turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sparkling apple cider, and other such delicious foods.  However, since I became a Christian, I've loved also spending time with God and telling him how grateful I am for how he has changed my life and given me more than I could ever have imagined.  I also love sharing this gratitude with my fellow believers and church family, which I was able to do here in Kiev.

We usually meet on Thursday nights as a small group for a little talk about the Bible and fellowship.  This week, I asked if I could host a Thanksgiving dinner.  I had already asked my mom to send some of my favorite childhood food recipes (thanks, Mom!), and I looked some new ones of my own up for those I didn't have.  It was amazing!  Not all of the ingredients are common here in Kiev, but with the help of one of the gals in my group, Nastia (who always cooks amazing dinners for our group on Thursdays), we were able (with our limited ability to communicate) to get everything, even a turkey small enough to fit in the oven! (Ovens here are half the size as in America.)

It was perfect!  Everyone loved my Mom's famous mashed potatoes, which I've made traditionally for almost every Thanksgiving dinner or potluck I've attended as an adult.  When I asked if anyone wanted seconds, nearly every plate shot out.  I laughed out loud, I was so happy they enjoyed them as much as I did!

We poured out the Zhivchick (a sparkling apple drink here that is marketed more as a soda, but tastes just like sparkling apple cider, to me), and I made a toast.  I shared the origin of the Thanksgiving holiday and why we celebrate it, and connected with how I relate to the pilgrims.  They had come to a foreign land by faith, and though they suffered, God provided for them and gave them new friendships and new abundance.  They had given up everything, not knowing what future awaited them.  Like them, I have felt scared and alone, yet I have been amazed at how God has provided for me in unexpected ways.  And I have made incredible new friendships that I believe will only grow stronger as I keep giving my heart and walk by faith.


Thank you, my true and faithful God.  Though the world may not recognize you, or realize it is from your hand their blessings come, you are the source of all good things, and I honor you in my heart this weekend, and say, "THANK YOU!" for caring for me and providing food, shelter, and friendship, even on the other side of the ocean.

Thank you, everyone, for being a part of God's blessing to me.  My family, my old friends, and new Kiev relationships...

Thank you.  May God bless and provide for you and your loved ones, and may you also experience the joy of giving thanks to the true source of everything we have to be grateful for.

God's Rollercoaster Ride

Life is a roller-coaster. This has been an exciting week for me, personally.

Why, you ask?

I am beginning to feel the sunlight at the end of the tunnel of doubt and fear. That's right, perseverance does indeed develop character, and character hope, which does not disappoint us.

I truly am realizing what a blessing this story is that I've been swept up into. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been impossibly difficult, either. It's life, I'm learning, and I'm learning to enjoy it--ups and downs included. After all, ever since my sister tricked me into riding one (thanks, Briana), I love roller-coasters. Makes me feel alive!

Of course, I want my adventure and thrills to come while riding the roller-coaster God designed for my life, and accomplishing the tasks he's prepared for me along the way. Not the illusion of ups when I try to do things my way, then the inevitable fall when I realize it just doesn't work.

I have been attacking the language here (much more than I was previously), and am happy to say that I finished 1 of 3 Rosetta Stone courses for Russian. I need to move much faster through course 2 and 3, especially since I will be leaving the Russian-speaking world for a month in about 5 weeks.

Yep--I'm spending the Holidays in South Africa with my roommate, visiting my boyfriend's family along with his best-friend, and touring the countryside's most unique attractions.

Today I started my first mini English class with my 5-year old student and 2 of her playmates.  I felt like a teacher again!  We all had a great time learning to English video lessons for children.  I'm grateful that God is expanding my work in this age-group and area.  I'm growing attached to the little monsters. ;)

Okay, I'm off to enjoy some time with our small group at church.

Until next time!

Summer Winter

Would you have ever imagined that a place which normally gets snow in November would get weather more suited for spring or cool summers? Not only is Kiev experiencing such weather (61 degrees F. now), but I hear that L.A. has had 95 degree days recently.

I'm not sure if this is global warming or some fluke, but I have to ask you--do you believe God can change and control the weather? Do you believe he would if you asked him to?

Sounds crazy, huh? I think there was a guy in the Bible who fits that description--what was his name again?

James 5:17 (New International Version)

17 Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years.

Okay, that sounds like serious faith, right? I mean, Elijah was a prophet. He was special. God gave him supernatural prayer ability, belief, and...well...back in those days, God did more miracles to show people He existed. He doesn't do that kind of stuff anymore.

Really? (Mt 17:20, Mt 13:58, Numbers 23:19)

Am I special because I prayed God would help someone find what they had lost within the next 5 minutes, and they found it within the next few seconds? NO! It's God who performs the miracles, who has the power, who does good things for us, and helps us when we ask--even for something as "small" as finding misplaced keys.

So, what's my point with all of this?

I experienced a breakthrough in my faith last night.

First, I was recently facing losing an English student I've been teaching for the past 2 months here, my only source of income. The situation seemed bleak, but I convinced her mom to work with me and find the best decision for her and her daughter before making a final decision. I honestly felt like the situation was lost, but I went through the motions of prayer.

Second, I've been trying to find a stable home here in Kiev for the past 4 months without success. Each closed door chipped at my faith, but still I prayed.

I just did a follow-up study with Julia, teaching her about prayer from a series I received from my home church, the Turning Point. I was so convicted during the study, that I asked if I could say a quick prayer about these 2 things right then.

This prayer was so different! I prayed expecting God to fulfill my request, as if there was no other option--it was just going to happen, and that's it. I felt so hopeful and excited to see HOW God would answer my prayer, that the worry and fear was GONE. I really believed God wanted to give me what I asked for.

"But what if he doesn't?" Yeah, that's the doubt that kept me from really having faith at all. No wonder faith isn't related to logic AT ALL.

I believe, therefor it is. Of course, like Jesus, my heart is to surrender if God should answer "No" to my requests, but if that's the case, it's only because it's even BETTER than what I was asking for. (Ro 8:28) You just can't go wrong with asking God for help!

Anyway, after praying with Julia and seeing her off, I checked my email to discover that my student's mother wants to continue lessons for her daughter once a week, for which I'm so grateful.

Also, there's another possibility to move into a great apartment here with some amazing sisters. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm so faithful that it will happen according to our prayers, that I'm already counting off the days to when I can finally unpack.

I'll keep praying and asking God what's best, and keep believing that He is as good and willing to help me as He claims He is!

Maybe I'll start praying for snow, next.

Naaaaaaah.... ;)

___________________

What desires have you given up on praying about? Can you pray again, banishing every doubt and expecting that God has already said a joyful "YES" and is working on it?

Nightmare Before Christmas in Kiev

Every year back home in L.A., a few of my friends who are fanatics for the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas," would throw a Halloween party in which we would decorate both for Halloween and Christmas, and watch the movie together while singing along with subtitles.  It's my fondest Halloween tradition to date.

Since they don't really celebrate Halloween here in the Ukraine, I thought I would carry on the tradition and throw a "Nightmare Before Christmas" party for my friends and their guests here.

It was so fun!  We carved pumpkins, had bloody fingers (cocktail wieners wrapped and baked in tortilla strips with a dab of ketchup on the end), and a costume contest after watching the movie.  One of the brothers, Roma, who speaks English fairly well, translated for the others.

We all had a great time, and about 6 guests enjoyed the party with us. 

As soon as I get the pictures, I'll post them up.

Until then, just wanted everyone back home to know that I'm with you all in spirit, even though an ocean separates us. Happy belated Halloween!

Julia's Baptism

As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, I had the honor of being in some Bible Studies a few weeks ago with a woman named Julia.  She made the decision to make Jesus her Lord, and we had the honor of baptizing her into Christ last week!

I've watched her heart open up and blossom as she has come to know God's love for her more and more.  I am constantly amazed and awed at the power of God's love working and transforming a person's life.

Here is some video footage of the amazing event!  I feel so happy to share this with you, to have experienced this, because this is why I came to Kiev.  This is why I'm here.  To help people come to Christ, and have a real relationship with their creator and true father: God.

Please pray for me to give my whole heart here, for God to use my efforts to make a real difference.  To Him be the glory!

Plugging into Purpose

Isn't it amazing when you feel plugged in to real purpose?  When you feel like, "Yes, this is what I was made for!  This is making a difference!  This is why I was born!"

I have been feeling that more and more here in Kiev, a place I never would have dreamed that God would make so many unspoken dreams of mine a reality.

Last week I did some voice acting! Can you believe it? I've always wanted to do that, even though I never pursued the career.

Chris' employer asked us to record narrative and character voices for an educational project they are getting a loan for, which could be a 2-year gig. Wow. I never expected this, but I'll be thrilled if it works out!

Also, I am working on starting another media project here for the church. We plan to go out into the city and survey random people about what they think about religion, God, and their own relationship to each. It will be interesting to see how the people here feel.

I'm starting to find my voice here, so to speak.  It feels good to be able to start helping in a way that I am passionate about and good at, and to feel the support of others in those endeavors makes me even more confident that God is doing this, not me.

As long as God is blessing it, I know it will make a difference.  And I'm just praying to stay plugged in to what God wants for my life, because I am realizing more and more that there is nothing more worth living for than His will for us!

"His good, pleasing, and perfect will." (Romans 12:2c - NLT - emphasis mine)

How about you?  Is there something in your life you feel God calling you to, but are afraid of?  Try telling God why you're scared, then decide if you really believe the above scripture for that area of your life.

Adjusting and Trusting

So, it's been over 3 months now since I arrived here in Kiev. That is the longest I have ever lived outside of my country, away from home. Wow...kind of unreal. I can feel my old life slowly fading into a memory, as my new life in Kiev is born. It's been both painful and rewarding, and it's still going.

I am about to decide if I should move permanently to a new apartment in Kiev or stay in my current living situation. There are pros and cons to both options. I need to pray a lot today, because I have to decide by tonight, either way.

I am still working to sell my car back home. Please pray that it gets taken care of within the next few weeks.  That's my last obligation in America to take care of.

Otherwise, I feel more and more excited about the opportunities God is presenting here in Kiev to work and have purpose.

Where will God take me next, I wonder?  Always an adventure doing it His way!

Visiting Poland: Day 2

We've got some catching up to do!

Okay, so I have to leave the Ukraine every 90 days to renew my registration there. The cheapest trip I could find recently was a WizzAir flight to Poland, so here I am! I booked a 2-night stay at this cute little hostel called "Mosquito Hostel," and am now typing my blog from the common-room's computer. :)

Yesterday was great. I woke up feeling a little better (had a nasty fever the night before), and somehow packed in time to hop into my ride's car. Denis, one of the brothers from my Bible Talk, was nice enough to pick me up at 7:30 in the morning to drive me to the airport.

On the bus transfer from the airport in Katowice to the city of Krakow, I met a nice lady named Julian, who is also a missionary in Kiev with her husband and 3 children. She let me know of a way to get a longer religious Visa from Krakow the next time I get one for the Ukraine, so I don't have to leave every 3 months. Hmm...promising.

Anyway, I met some nice people touring the Salt Mines of Kiev: a cute old coulpe from England, and a man my age from Ireland named Seamus. Yes, an Irishman named Seamus (pronounced Shamus). I just can't get enough of the accents in this town!

Had dinner at a cute little Polish restaurant, where I was treated like a queen by the host, and ushered into a candle-lit dinner-table for four (all for me, muah ha ha). I had a scrumptious hot meal, and soaked in the romantic, warm, atmosphere. There was a pianist playing cheery Polish folk melodies from the other room, the waitress was helpful and friendly, and some other customers dining came by to chat about how unique my food was (fried perogi on a hard, flat, pizza-looking bread plate).

How good it is to joke with strangers, as if we all hadn't a care in the world! The trust...the openness...the acceptance. Ahhh...I had no idea how much I've missed this.

In contrast, Kiev looks...well...starkly opposite. I have already noticed myself smiling less to strangers in Kiev, afraid to attract the wrong attention in the city. Maybe it's smarter not to stand out, but I miss being myself, expressing myself without worrying about what others will do or what the consequences will be.

Is this how my ancestors felt after Hitler came to power and their home began to change from cheerful freedom to frightening opression?

In a few hours, I will visit Auschwitz with another American I met at the restaurant I ate at last night. I have a feeling this will be a very sobering tour...

I will post my thoughts in the next blog, along with some pictures of my recent adventures. :) Check back in a few days!

God is Near

So, I told you that God has been giving me themes during certain weeks of my life, especially since I started praying about giving up my life to let God lead me wherever he wanted.

Well, he's been a bit quiet over the past month or so. I've been really missing that feeling that God is close, that he's almost physically present in my life. So, yesterday, as I was crying out my grief in a prayer, I told God that I missed feeling him, and asked him to come close to me again--to give me a theme, so I'd remember that he is with me.

Today, He confirmed the theme that was already surfacing over the past few days:

God is near.

How did he confirm it?  I receive daily scriptures from BibleGateway.com, and they're usually random, encouraging passages from the Bible.  This was today's:

Isaiah 55:6
"Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near."

The day before that, my incredibly-thoughtful boyfriend gave me a little cell-phone charm of a sheep holding a flower above the Russian words for "God is near."  (Have I never shared on my blog that I got a boyfriend 10 days after I landed in Kiev?  Sorry to keep you waiting on that bit of juicy gossip.  More on that amazing story another blog.)

The day before THAT, I had expressed to friends that God didn't feel as near, and I was wondering if I had gotten off track from His purpose for my life, somehow.  Maybe I had sinned, and strayed like wayward sheep I am....  I had been feeling distracted by life and not really consistent or wholehearted in my times with Him for the past few days.

So, I definitely am grateful that God answers prayers, and that in order to feel him near, all I have to do is to seek him with ALL my heart.  (Jeremiah 29:11-13)  It wasn't that God wasn't near, but that He was waiting for ME to draw near to HIM!  (James 4:8)

Thank you, my God, that you want a relationship with me--a real, mutual, give-and-take relationship.  You don't force yourself upon me, but let me desire you as much as you desire me.  Thank you for wanting that kind of relationship with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.

How can you draw near to God this week?  Try giving him everything you've got, and see if God doesn't respond.

Update on SMART GOAL #1

Okay, so you may be wondering whatever happened to the SMART goal I set a few weeks ago to be 10 minutes early to every appointment.

It was going GREAT the first 5 or 6 days.  I was arriving early, sometimes by 30 minutes or more, just to make sure.  It felt so good to have time to think, relax, or write in my notebook while waiting and not feeling rushed or guilty for being late.

Then I started getting overconfident.  I started to budget less and less of a buffer, getting to my destination 6 minutes, or 5 minutes early, rationalizing that I was still on time.  One compromise and rationalization led to another, until finally, I gave up the goal completely.

I actually remember the moment of the decision.  I rationalized that I was at the mercy of someone else's schedule and decision.  I gave up my own integrity to surrender to the other person's prerogative, instead of communicating that I wanted to be at our destination earlier than they suggested, because people were waiting and I wanted to respect their time.

I chickened out.

I've noticed what a coward I can be when I don't want to be rejected.

The Schema Therapy would categorize it under the "Subjugation" schema.  I subject myself to the other person's desires without even expressing my own, because I'm afraid of their rejection or angry response.

So, I'm going to try SMART GOAL #1 again.  :)  It has made a big difference already in my habit.  I'm beginning to be early to appointments more consistently since then.

And if I find myself ready to compromise in order to avoid rejection, well, I get another opportunity to respond differently!  So, here we go again.

One week, 10 minutes early to each of my appointments, starting today, ending next Tuesday.

Speaking of which, I'd better go get ready so I can be early to my tutoring session!

I'll keep you posted!

Roll Away the Stone

Don't you love it when God speaks RIGHT to your heart?  When his message and presence are as obvious as Jesus standing beside his empty tomb?

He did it again for me today, using a lesson from Living Spring audio library: "Relationships: The Most Important Relationship."

It's centered around the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back from the dead, in John 11.

So, the people tell Jesus his friend, Lazarus, is sick and dying.  When they get to the city, they get the news that Lazarus died.  And the people had to deal with the fact that Jesus had failed their expectations.  "Jesus didn't heal Lazarus...Jesus was wrong...?  He who opened the eyes of the blind couldn't keep this man from dying?"


The entire point of the sermon?
"When we stop giving God advice and we start giving him access, then our lives change."

Our journey through life is just us discovering what God already knows.

When I go through my pain, God goes through it with me.  He sees what I'm going through and says, "Invite me to go with you...I'll bring your heart back to life."  He wants to journey with me through whatever is bothering me.  He asks, "What is it?  What's troubling you?  Come to me...tell me..."

He doesn't just hear our problem, but tells us how to get out of our tombs.  We want to be rescued from the grave, but aren't willing to do the work to roll away the stone.  Like Mary, we say to God, "But it stinks in there!"  The cave is shallow--when you roll back the stone, everyone sees it, and that's what we're afraid of.

If Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and they DIDN'T roll away the stone, he would die again!  He would suffocate.  It's not just about being saved, but about being FREE, enjoying the benefits of a healed and changed LIFE.

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

Personally, I feel like I came on this mission to Kiev hoping to see God's glory...to see him work miracles in my life.  To watch him show his amazing power through me, and what I would experience.  I thought the miracles would be abundant, instantaneous, and painless.


I didn't expect him to wait to perform the miracle.  Like Mary and Martha, I find myself saying, "If you had been here, he wouldn't have died!"  My dreams, my hopes, my expectations wouldn't have been disappointed...I wouldn't be wrestling with faith.

I didn't expect him to ask me to do the work of rolling away my stones, exposing the stinkiest places there so others can see.  (My faithlessness, my insecurity, my core emotional needs....)

My heart is crying out, "Where are you, God?  Why are you letting my dreams, my hopes, my desires die?  This isn't what I expected....I thought you would be here to protect me from pain and disappointment!"

Yet Jesus is saying to me, "I'm glad I wasn't there, so that you may believe." 

That I will believe that anything and everything is possible for him.  That I will believe that, no matter what happens to me, I'll be alive and free, because God is with me, he loves me, and nothing can come between OUR relationship.

And THAT'S what matters in my life.

God has put others in my life to help me take off my grave clothes!  I don't have to live according to my past, how I've responded to my pain and circumstances.  I don't have to live like a prisoner anymore.  I'm free!  But I do need help...

So, I can talk to God personally and say, "This is my problem.  I don't like this in my life, and I need it to change."

Even when I thought God had failed in my life, (failed to do what I expected him to), he is giving me another opportunity to believe in his unbelievable power and love.

And as Jesus said just before he raised Lazarus from the dead, I will see God's glory.

What's died in your life lately?  What issues are you facing that you feel like God didn't heal in time?  Try telling him what's troubling you, and ask for help in those areas--then roll away the stone and let him in.

Letters to God

I love journaling.  I love writing.  There is a sense of peace in expressing yourself in the privacy of a page.

 

I need it.  Especially writing to God.

Journaling helps me get honest with myself.  Really important if I'm going to be honest with God.  And the cool thing is that God wants me to talk to him about what's really going on in my heart!  He already knows, but he wants me to know that he hears me, that I'm worth listening to, and that he doesn't judge me or condemn me for feeling the way I do.

Thank you, God!  You really are the best listener I know.

Of course, it's nice to know that God doesn't leave me hanging if I need advice.  He speaks to me, too, personally.  No, I don't mean like from a burning bush or a whirling pillar of fire.

I like putting on my favorite tunes set to random play and let God speak to me through song.  Or he'll pop an idea into my head that speaks right to my need.  Or some insight from earlier in the day will connect to what I'm expressing.  Or (best of all), a scripture will come to mind (or sight, as I flip through the Bible) that is EXACTLY what I need in the moment.

The more I seek God, the more I find him--even in the darkest circumstances.

Like, right now, the tune that came onto my iPod is the remake of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.  Rainbows are significant to me since I arrived in Kiev, because I feel God reminding me of the promises he made me...that he would always be with me and bless me, no matter what trials I've been through.  That he would personally go with me...

I needed that reminder tonight.

Thank you, God...

How does God speak to you?

If you can't hear him, try telling him what you really think, and ask him to answer right to your heart.  It's the best conversation you will ever have...

The Greater Gifts

Faith, hope, and love. The world, whether atheist or religious, applauds virtues such as these.

But what do we put our faith in?  Our circumstances?  Our relationships?  Our selves?  I could ask the same for hope.  I mean, my friends would probably agree that I'm a very hopeful and optimistic person, but I have never experienced such a testing and stretching of my hope as I am experiencing now.

I'm realizing how much I've put my hope in my circumstances (are things the way I want them to be?), my relationships (am I being treated the way I want to be?), and my dreams (will my life be the way I think it should be?)  If things aren't as I expected them to be (which they almost never are), does my world crumble and my hope shatter?  It has, so often...

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all..."  to quote one of my favorite Bible-authors, Paul.  "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Romans 8:24-25, NIV)

Of course!  Just because what I hoped for hasn't happened yet, does that mean I shouldn't hope for it anymore?  Just give it up?

In the words of Langston Hughes, "What happens to a dream deferred?"  Or of the wisest man in history, Solomon: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12, NIV)

Okay, so don't give up hope, right?  But...what if what I'm hoping for isn't guaranteed?  I don't think Paul was talking about winning the Lottery when he said "wait for it patiently."

Which brings us back to my original question: What do we put our hope in?

My conclusion?  The only thing that never changes: God.  What does that mean to me?  His Word.  His promise of grace and eternal life for anyone who would choose to believe in him, and by believing, truly follow him by living like his son, Jesus Christ.

At the risk of sounding religious, I am growing more and more convinced on this mission-field that Jesus is what he said he was--the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.  I don't know what way to go in life, I don't know what truth to believe, and I don't have a real life without this hope of God's grace and favor.

THAT'S what I'm choosing to put my hope in, now.  Nothing in this life is certain.  Everything changes (best friends move, or get married, relationships grow or separate), can be taken away (people die, economies falter, thieves break into your car or house), or lost (natural disasters, homes destroyed, things are misplaced, people forgotten).  Everything can disappoint you.  Everyone can disappoint you.  I would go so far as to say that everything and everyone WILL disappoint you, at some point.

That is, unless your hope is in something else--something that never fails (1 Cor 13).

If my hope is in the unchanging, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, always-gonna-come-through-for-me God, well...WHAT CAN TOUCH ME?  As Paul said in Romans 8, "If God is for me, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME?"

So, come on, trials!  Bring on the rain!  If fire is going to purify my faith, hope, and love, then turn up the flame!

(Yet, like Jesus prayed, if there is any other way, Father, please don't make me go through this suffering.  Who in their right mind WANTS pain in their life??  But I'm preparing my heart to endure it, if what it brings afterward is greater than the pain itself.)

No pain, no gain, right?  So, I'm getting ready for Round 2.

Please pray for my faith, hope, and love.  I'm going to need them to fight the giants I'm facing...