Update on SMART GOAL #1

Okay, so you may be wondering whatever happened to the SMART goal I set a few weeks ago to be 10 minutes early to every appointment.

It was going GREAT the first 5 or 6 days.  I was arriving early, sometimes by 30 minutes or more, just to make sure.  It felt so good to have time to think, relax, or write in my notebook while waiting and not feeling rushed or guilty for being late.

Then I started getting overconfident.  I started to budget less and less of a buffer, getting to my destination 6 minutes, or 5 minutes early, rationalizing that I was still on time.  One compromise and rationalization led to another, until finally, I gave up the goal completely.

I actually remember the moment of the decision.  I rationalized that I was at the mercy of someone else's schedule and decision.  I gave up my own integrity to surrender to the other person's prerogative, instead of communicating that I wanted to be at our destination earlier than they suggested, because people were waiting and I wanted to respect their time.

I chickened out.

I've noticed what a coward I can be when I don't want to be rejected.

The Schema Therapy would categorize it under the "Subjugation" schema.  I subject myself to the other person's desires without even expressing my own, because I'm afraid of their rejection or angry response.

So, I'm going to try SMART GOAL #1 again.  :)  It has made a big difference already in my habit.  I'm beginning to be early to appointments more consistently since then.

And if I find myself ready to compromise in order to avoid rejection, well, I get another opportunity to respond differently!  So, here we go again.

One week, 10 minutes early to each of my appointments, starting today, ending next Tuesday.

Speaking of which, I'd better go get ready so I can be early to my tutoring session!

I'll keep you posted!

Roll Away the Stone

Don't you love it when God speaks RIGHT to your heart?  When his message and presence are as obvious as Jesus standing beside his empty tomb?

He did it again for me today, using a lesson from Living Spring audio library: "Relationships: The Most Important Relationship."

It's centered around the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back from the dead, in John 11.

So, the people tell Jesus his friend, Lazarus, is sick and dying.  When they get to the city, they get the news that Lazarus died.  And the people had to deal with the fact that Jesus had failed their expectations.  "Jesus didn't heal Lazarus...Jesus was wrong...?  He who opened the eyes of the blind couldn't keep this man from dying?"


The entire point of the sermon?
"When we stop giving God advice and we start giving him access, then our lives change."

Our journey through life is just us discovering what God already knows.

When I go through my pain, God goes through it with me.  He sees what I'm going through and says, "Invite me to go with you...I'll bring your heart back to life."  He wants to journey with me through whatever is bothering me.  He asks, "What is it?  What's troubling you?  Come to me...tell me..."

He doesn't just hear our problem, but tells us how to get out of our tombs.  We want to be rescued from the grave, but aren't willing to do the work to roll away the stone.  Like Mary, we say to God, "But it stinks in there!"  The cave is shallow--when you roll back the stone, everyone sees it, and that's what we're afraid of.

If Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and they DIDN'T roll away the stone, he would die again!  He would suffocate.  It's not just about being saved, but about being FREE, enjoying the benefits of a healed and changed LIFE.

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

Personally, I feel like I came on this mission to Kiev hoping to see God's glory...to see him work miracles in my life.  To watch him show his amazing power through me, and what I would experience.  I thought the miracles would be abundant, instantaneous, and painless.


I didn't expect him to wait to perform the miracle.  Like Mary and Martha, I find myself saying, "If you had been here, he wouldn't have died!"  My dreams, my hopes, my expectations wouldn't have been disappointed...I wouldn't be wrestling with faith.

I didn't expect him to ask me to do the work of rolling away my stones, exposing the stinkiest places there so others can see.  (My faithlessness, my insecurity, my core emotional needs....)

My heart is crying out, "Where are you, God?  Why are you letting my dreams, my hopes, my desires die?  This isn't what I expected....I thought you would be here to protect me from pain and disappointment!"

Yet Jesus is saying to me, "I'm glad I wasn't there, so that you may believe." 

That I will believe that anything and everything is possible for him.  That I will believe that, no matter what happens to me, I'll be alive and free, because God is with me, he loves me, and nothing can come between OUR relationship.

And THAT'S what matters in my life.

God has put others in my life to help me take off my grave clothes!  I don't have to live according to my past, how I've responded to my pain and circumstances.  I don't have to live like a prisoner anymore.  I'm free!  But I do need help...

So, I can talk to God personally and say, "This is my problem.  I don't like this in my life, and I need it to change."

Even when I thought God had failed in my life, (failed to do what I expected him to), he is giving me another opportunity to believe in his unbelievable power and love.

And as Jesus said just before he raised Lazarus from the dead, I will see God's glory.

What's died in your life lately?  What issues are you facing that you feel like God didn't heal in time?  Try telling him what's troubling you, and ask for help in those areas--then roll away the stone and let him in.

Letters to God

I love journaling.  I love writing.  There is a sense of peace in expressing yourself in the privacy of a page.

 

I need it.  Especially writing to God.

Journaling helps me get honest with myself.  Really important if I'm going to be honest with God.  And the cool thing is that God wants me to talk to him about what's really going on in my heart!  He already knows, but he wants me to know that he hears me, that I'm worth listening to, and that he doesn't judge me or condemn me for feeling the way I do.

Thank you, God!  You really are the best listener I know.

Of course, it's nice to know that God doesn't leave me hanging if I need advice.  He speaks to me, too, personally.  No, I don't mean like from a burning bush or a whirling pillar of fire.

I like putting on my favorite tunes set to random play and let God speak to me through song.  Or he'll pop an idea into my head that speaks right to my need.  Or some insight from earlier in the day will connect to what I'm expressing.  Or (best of all), a scripture will come to mind (or sight, as I flip through the Bible) that is EXACTLY what I need in the moment.

The more I seek God, the more I find him--even in the darkest circumstances.

Like, right now, the tune that came onto my iPod is the remake of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.  Rainbows are significant to me since I arrived in Kiev, because I feel God reminding me of the promises he made me...that he would always be with me and bless me, no matter what trials I've been through.  That he would personally go with me...

I needed that reminder tonight.

Thank you, God...

How does God speak to you?

If you can't hear him, try telling him what you really think, and ask him to answer right to your heart.  It's the best conversation you will ever have...

The Greater Gifts

Faith, hope, and love. The world, whether atheist or religious, applauds virtues such as these.

But what do we put our faith in?  Our circumstances?  Our relationships?  Our selves?  I could ask the same for hope.  I mean, my friends would probably agree that I'm a very hopeful and optimistic person, but I have never experienced such a testing and stretching of my hope as I am experiencing now.

I'm realizing how much I've put my hope in my circumstances (are things the way I want them to be?), my relationships (am I being treated the way I want to be?), and my dreams (will my life be the way I think it should be?)  If things aren't as I expected them to be (which they almost never are), does my world crumble and my hope shatter?  It has, so often...

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all..."  to quote one of my favorite Bible-authors, Paul.  "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Romans 8:24-25, NIV)

Of course!  Just because what I hoped for hasn't happened yet, does that mean I shouldn't hope for it anymore?  Just give it up?

In the words of Langston Hughes, "What happens to a dream deferred?"  Or of the wisest man in history, Solomon: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12, NIV)

Okay, so don't give up hope, right?  But...what if what I'm hoping for isn't guaranteed?  I don't think Paul was talking about winning the Lottery when he said "wait for it patiently."

Which brings us back to my original question: What do we put our hope in?

My conclusion?  The only thing that never changes: God.  What does that mean to me?  His Word.  His promise of grace and eternal life for anyone who would choose to believe in him, and by believing, truly follow him by living like his son, Jesus Christ.

At the risk of sounding religious, I am growing more and more convinced on this mission-field that Jesus is what he said he was--the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.  I don't know what way to go in life, I don't know what truth to believe, and I don't have a real life without this hope of God's grace and favor.

THAT'S what I'm choosing to put my hope in, now.  Nothing in this life is certain.  Everything changes (best friends move, or get married, relationships grow or separate), can be taken away (people die, economies falter, thieves break into your car or house), or lost (natural disasters, homes destroyed, things are misplaced, people forgotten).  Everything can disappoint you.  Everyone can disappoint you.  I would go so far as to say that everything and everyone WILL disappoint you, at some point.

That is, unless your hope is in something else--something that never fails (1 Cor 13).

If my hope is in the unchanging, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, always-gonna-come-through-for-me God, well...WHAT CAN TOUCH ME?  As Paul said in Romans 8, "If God is for me, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME?"

So, come on, trials!  Bring on the rain!  If fire is going to purify my faith, hope, and love, then turn up the flame!

(Yet, like Jesus prayed, if there is any other way, Father, please don't make me go through this suffering.  Who in their right mind WANTS pain in their life??  But I'm preparing my heart to endure it, if what it brings afterward is greater than the pain itself.)

No pain, no gain, right?  So, I'm getting ready for Round 2.

Please pray for my faith, hope, and love.  I'm going to need them to fight the giants I'm facing...

Vulnerability

To share or not to share, that is the question.

The first week I arrived in Kiev, I attended a seminar called "Schema Therapy," which theorizes that people hurt themselves and others due to core needs not being met in themselves, which leads to developing schemas and ways to cope with the unmet needs.

Well, I'm reviewing my notes from that seminar, and I realize how much I've coped in my life, instead of actually getting the need met.

The focus of Schema therapy is to teach people to stop coping and to learn to be vulnerable.  This is the only way one we can truly and consistently get our needs met.  By acknowledging our need in a way that invites others to meet them, we have a great chance of those needs actually getting met.  It's so much better than trying to cope without them, isn't it?

Imagine trying to cope without food or water or AIR!  How long will that last?  Even though emotional needs are less obvious or tangible than the above mentioned, they are every bit as vital to the health of the individual.

You've heard of the saying, "Hurt people hurt people," right?

I'm learning to accept that I have emotional needs, and that these aren't bad or wrong.  It's actually responsible and mature of me to ask for my needs to be met in a vulnerable way, so that others have the choice to meet them, and I have the satisfaction of having them met.  Then I can actually see that people do love me and care about me, because I let them see how they can help me.  And they do!

I think I've resisted true vulnerability because I've had the crazy idea that people should know what I need.  (Yeah, you're supposed to read my mind, right?)  Then, since people aren't meeting my needs when they should know them already, I think it means they must not want to, so why would I be stupid enough to ask for help when I'm already facing rejection and abandonment?

Now I'm realizing that I've been flashing a blank street-sign and expecting people to know which way to turn.  No wonder there have been so many accidents at my intersection!!

I'm very excited to dig deeper into the ways I've been coping, so I can let them go.  And am grateful for every opportunity (as scary as they have been) to practice being vulnerable, to express my needs, and give my friends a chance to really be there for me.  I do need my friends...now, more than ever.

Thank you God, for these painful-but-liberating lessons.  Keep 'em comin'!

I Miss You...

I told my students back home that if I came to live in a foreign country, I was sure to feel lonely at times. I told them it would probably be hard, but that it would be an adventure. It would be worth it, because hard times have a tendency to grow your character in a way which comfortable circumstances won't allow.

So, here I am...feeling lonely.  It's really hitting me this week how much I miss home.

I miss my friends.  I miss scheduled hang-outs at Starbucks...the eclectic music in the background, the clean restrooms and soft toilet paper, and the availability of so many wonderful hearts to connect with.

Not that there aren't wonderful hearts to connect with here in Kiev.  There are an abundance of wonderful hearts.  I just don't know how to connect with them on the level I need.  Not only do they speak a different language (Russian or Ukrainian), but they speak another culture, refer to a different world of common references, thoughts, and philosophies.

Even those who do speak some English and whom I have been grateful to connect with have the unfair disadvantage of only knowing me for 2 months.  We have little shared memories, laughter, or experiences to bond us, and that's what I miss the most.

I miss feeling bonded with people.  I miss history.  I miss real friendship and loyalty that lasts through hard times and celebrates the good together.

I miss being in the pictures posted on Facebook with my fellow actors and friends from the Turning Point Church, being a part of putting on a faith-building production thanks to Kimba's great writing and directing.

I miss my improv family, and Pat's amazing humor and ability to bring out the best in each of us.

I miss my classes, my students, being able to impart wisdom or something of my experiences to inspire or motivate them to be their best for others--to be their best for themselves.

I miss expressing myself completely...
I miss being heard.
I miss feeling wanted.
I miss being missed...

I'm sure that there are people out there who believe in me, who love me, and who do miss me.  I am SURE of it.  I just miss being able to hug them, laugh with them, cry with them, pray with them, and hear them tell me themselves that they do...

I miss home.

And to all of my friends and loved ones reading this...

I miss you.  And I'm not giving up.

SMART Goal 1: Early to Appointments

The "On-Time" clock.

Okay, recap:

On Monday, I set a goal to be 10 minutes early to each of my appointments. So far so good! Just to clarify, the 10 minute aim is a buffer, not to be held to as the goal itself. The true purpose of the goal is to arrive early to each of my appointments, so even though I've been only 8 or 9 minutes early sometimes (miscalculating Metro times, etc.), I still feel that I am accomplishing my real goal. What do you think?

Anyway, being early to my appointments has been AWESOME. You would think it would be boring, waiting for 10 minutes (give or take) for someone else to show up, but it's actually a great time for me to reflect, to pray, or even to jot down notes or look at my daily schedule to make sure I'm on target with my goals/plans. Sometimes I'll just listen to my iPod and get lost in one of my favorite tunes, watching other people rush about their days.

It's also been interesting being on the other side of this situation, when others are apologizing to me for being late--which happens quite frequently here in the Ukraine, I'm noticing. But I can be gracious and feel great because I know I honored my word. It's empowering to know I can do what I say! And it's easier to let people off the hook when I feel whole and complete within myself.

Some quotes I'm going to consider this week I found on a "How to Be Punctual" article:

"If you are 5 minutes early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. If you're late, then you've got a lot of explaining to do."

Old military adage: If you're not 5 minutes early, you're 10 minutes late!

I'm beginning to feel the truth of these wise words.

Anyway, that's one small step for Shae. One giant leap for her future. Let's see how the rest of the week goes! Maybe I'll get to buy that sparkly pair of earrings I've been eying the past few weeks... ;)

Words and Integrity

Words are powerful, I'm realizing anew.

Being in a foreign country where I don't speak the native tongue, I've had a lot of time to consider language, and the importance of words.

Words are such a huge form of communication...when I say something, I am extending myself to someone. My words may contain love, hope, and joy--or they may contain hate, bitterness, criticism, or fear.

Yet the words are just a communication of what's inside. As Jesus said, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Mt 12:34, NIV) Who I am is what comes out of my mouth.

I've also heard a definition of integrity connected with words. That if we do what we say, we are in integrity, and if we don't, we are out of integrity.

So, I looked up the definitions of integrity. Here's one I found which seems to fit:

"Integrity = a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcomes."

If I am not keeping my word, I am, in a sense, a hypocrite (which means: "a person who pretends to be what he is not").

Without realizing it, I have been a hypocrite in my life in different ways.

For example, when I say I believe God is in control and that I believe he will protect me, then try to take control of a situation I don't feel safe in.

Or, on a smaller scale, when I say that I will meet someone at a certain time, then show up late. Even though I apologize and they forgive me, I wonder...can I even trust my own word when I speak? Does it mean anything to me, or to others, when I make a claim or a promise?

I want my word to mean something--both to others, and myself. I want my words to contain power, like Jesus' did. His contained power because they were true...what he said happened. Without fail. He lived according to what he claimed. He had integrity...he was whole, complete, and without pretense. Jesus was authentic.

I'm so grateful that I can put my hope in his word, because it never fails.

On the other hand, I often find myself speaking to impress people, or to present myself in a way I want to be perceived--then wonder why my life seems to lack impact, or my relationships seem to lack depth.

It's time to start fresh, with small matters!

I need baby-steps. (Any of my former students reading this?  Remember the 7 Habits?)   If I can't master myself (the private victory), how can I make a difference in someone else's life (the public victory)?  I need to build a solid foundation before I take on building an entire structure.

So, where have I been out of integrity lately?  Time-management.  I recently made a good friend of mine wait 20 minutes for me because I forgot to hang up my laundry before leaving the house.  This is not the first time I have been inconsiderate of someone else's time because of my lack of consideration of my own.  I've also been late to church, and barely on time (running) to other appointments.  Is this really the way I want to live my life?  NO WAY, JOSE! 

Before you think I'm being too hard on myself, I realize that this is a deep part of my character that won't change overnight.  But I gotta start somewhere!  Right?

In the school I used to teach, we used to set SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely goals.  That way, you can build confidence as you see your success, one baby-step at a time.  As my old college mentor, John Reid, used to say: "A steady drop will break a rock."

My SMART goal: Be 10 minutes early to every appointment this week.   

Which means I've gotta be careful to consider before I speak, so that I speak only what I can follow through with.

And just to make it fun, if I reach my goal, I get to spend $10 on whatever I want!  ;)  Who says personal growth has to be grueling?

I'll keep you posted on how I do!

Three in Three!

Okay, I promised some video footage from the teen baptisms we had (3 in 3 days!), so here they are.

It took longer than I expected, because I had to figure out a way to convert the file format, and the quality is poor, but hopefully you'll feel the heart through it, anyway.

The first one happened on the last day of the older teen camp. The girl's name is Nastia, and she is 16 years old. Her mom, also a disciple, served as the camp nurse, and got to baptize her daughter--how cool is that??



A couple of days later, we returned to Kiev and immediately had 2 more baptisms. Two of the girls from the younger teen camp, Sasha & Ania, have been studying the Bible, and each are just 13 years old. They were baptized in the river running through the city of Kiev. It was a beautiful event to see, and though I didn't understand the words being shared, I could definitely feel the love and gratitude from everyone.

Trusting a Promise

Wow, great sermon! Living Spring - Spiritual Boot Camp

I'll just write down the things that hit me the most.

Joshua 14:14, Caleb followed God WHOLEHEARTEDLY!  (I really want to have that said about me when I die.)

My perspective:
I look at people that I respect or admire, and I feel like a grasshopper in my eyes and theirs.

God's perspective:
We're ALL grasshoppers. God's standard applies to everyone, and each of us fall short of it.

The question is, why did God send out those people to spy out the Promised Land?  Did God forget what the land looks like, that there were giants in the land he created?

God wanted them to see, "There's no way you're doin' it on your own."
God wanted them to look around and go, "When this happens, there's gonna be no question that it's God."

God says, "And yeah, you should feel like a grasshopper, but guess what?  I'm here!  I'm God!  I've done it before!"

God says, "Pull the trigger, NOW!"  and I say, "Yeah, but..."

Break out of the idea that God's not in control.

2nd Cor 11

The idea is that the blessing just shows more of who God is.  Not that we arrive in some spiritual, comfort Disneyland.

Why does God allow us to be in situations that are so hard?

What did Paul get for all of his spiritual revelation and the way God used him?  A thorn.  A tormentor.  So what is his response?  To BOAST of his weakness!  Actually celebrate it! (Or at least how God can use it, right?  "Look, honey, they forgot to tell us we owe $2,400 in property tax.  Yay!  Not sure how God's going to provide it, but yippee for an opportunity for him to show us He provides in impossible circumstances!")

God says, "Hang in there. This is a process I wanna take you through to bring me glory."

Me: "I canNOT do this, God!"

God: "Exactly right!  The perfect position to be in!"

_____________________

May my weakness bring God glory...God knows I have a lot of it.

Specifically, I'm realizing what a horrible listener I can be at times.  Over and over, I hurt my friends by giving solutions and prescriptions for their problems instead of just listening and being a friend, or really listening to what they need instead of assuming that what helps me will also help them.

May God turn this weakness into glory, SOMEHOW...that he can still use me to help people really feel his love.  I definitely can't do it without him!

And I really don't want to wait 40 more years to enjoy the Promised Land!

What promise are you going to trust in hard circumstances?

Little Pleasures

So here I am in bed again, becoming more feverish as the seconds tick past.

It seems my pattern to narrowly avoid getting sick while everyone else suffers their flus and viruses, only to succumb to them in the end.

Mmm...tea.  I've grown a new appreciation for tea here.  With honey.  Yummy.  It's the little comforts in life that get you through, isn't it?

I'm learning that, lately.  God is a God of comfort, and there's nothing inherently bad about pleasure.  I mean, God is the source of every good gift, right?  He made the things which give pleasure, made our brains with different parts and different functions in order to feel pleasure.  So, I have God to thank for the tasty treat on my tongue, and all the ways he makes life beautiful, even when it's challenging.

So, I'd like to give God a tribute for all of the little pleasures he's given me to carry me through hard times:

Flowers...Kiev's underground streets are full of shops with gorgeous flowers.  The smell is fresh and alive, such an aroma-oasis in a city filled with pollution and second-hand smoke.  The colors and arrangements are beautiful, and there are varieties which I never new existed.  I'll try to remember to take pictures and add them later. (Sept, 29th, Just added the pic below!)

Rain...it washes everything, makes things grow.  It freshens the air and cleanses my soul.
(Fuzzy brain makes cheesy rhymes, but when has cheesiness ever been a crime?)

On that note, thank God for corny humor.  You may disagree, and that's okay, but I find it simplistic and refreshing, and innocent.  :)  There's no pretense or insult in a corny joke!  (Not one that I've heard yet.)

Cancellations...I often don't know when to stop, to slow down, and just rest.  I think I feel guilty or unproductive, which may lead to bouts of sickness like this.  I was going to cancel some English-tutoring lessons today, but it turns out the client had to go out of town anyways, so they canceled for me and I get to rest for another week without guilt.

Irish Step...I tagged along with a friend to an Irish Step class last night, and we both agreed that the music is impossible to resist.  You just can't stay unhappy listening to Irish step music!  Try it!  (Sorry for the video--don't watch if you get motion-sick or have epilepsy.)




So, thank God that, even in Kiev, I can learn to Irish Step, something I've always loved to do (joking around at dances), but never actually considered pursuing.  Maybe I'll keep attending class and come back to America a Russian River Dancer.  ;)

Well, this post is long enough, I think.  I'll post again soon.  (I have plenty of time, at the moment.)

What little pleasures are you grateful for in your life right now?

V Kontakte - In Contact

I'm back!

I've just spent the last 2 weeks having the time of my life somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains of the Ukraine.   We had the most amazing younger and older teen camps!  The theme of the camps (each one week long) was "V Kontakte" or "In Contact," and the messages focused on how we can connect with God, and how he wants to be connected to us.

Even though I couldn't understand most of the messages (being that my Russian is still very weak), I was still very impacted by the video clips they showed in some of the lessons.

Take my favorite ones, for example:




I was so convicted by this last one.  I think the pie, for me, represents my time and heart more than anything.

There were so many great memories, I can only give you some snapshots:

Shaving-cream wars,          quests
                     with
         team-building challenges,
pillow fights,
                   3 meals a day, all-you-can-eat!
Jivchik (just like sparkling apple-cider)
                               face-paint
           silly songs               laughter

 lip-syncing music videos
                morning exercises with Sasha!

hiking into forests,
       picking berries, and wild flowers, and mushrooms, and

SLUGS
     froggies!
                            Kasha (like Malt-O-Meal or Cream of Wheat)
   Thunderstorms

Teen smiles,
    a baptism,

            Bohemian Bloopers!

You can view pictures here:

Younger Teens - Week 1
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=483653&id=594085260&l=fb7c281cf1

Older Teens - Week 2
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=483655&id=594085260&l=1bdbee79ec

More blogging to come.  Let's just say that these past 2 weeks were filled with amazing memories, some hard times (moments of deep sadness, missing home and my preteens--GO SHINING STARS--and insecurity), but the overall experience was wonderful, and God really encouraged all of us!

The most inspiring thing to watch was the baptism that happened the last Saturday of the older teens camp.  A 16-year-old teen girl became our sister in Christ, and the next day 2 more 13-year-old girls from the younger camp were baptized together in the river in Kiev.  I have never been so inspired to see young people choose to follow God with all of their hearts!

I'll work on a video and post in my next blog.  Until then!