A Rainbow Dream...or Vision

This post is going to be long, so if you have the time and interest to follow me through it, pull up a comfy chair, grab a cup of coffee or tea, and join me as I process my latest experiences in Kiev.

Monday, December 6th, 10:15am-ish:

I've been wondering how much I should disclose in my blogs.  How raw should one get on the internet?  Maybe I'm not very wise.  Maybe I'm pretty foolish.  But I believe that I'm not alone in what I feel, and what I'm going through.  I believe that what I'm going through might encourage someone, somewhere, out there, over the rainbow...

Speaking of rainbows, do you remember my previous blogs when I first arrived in Kiev?  I felt God establishing his covenant of blessing with me by having rainbows come up in different aspects of my day, in different ways, for days in a row.  I really felt like God was saying, "Look, Shaela, I know you left everything to follow me calling you out here, but I promise that I'm giving you a hope and a future greater than you can possibly imagine.  I'm going to bless you and never drop you or abandon you.  You've been asking to be my friend in 2010--you trusted me enough to give up your life of comfort and security on faith that I was asking you to.  I won't disappoint you.  This won't be for nothing--in fact, it will be for my glory and your credit, just as you've been desiring.  It will be credited to you as righteousness."  ("Follow You" by Leeland is playing on the Pandora radio station I made called, "God Speak to My Heart" as I write this...here are the lyrics.)

So, the rainbow has become a significant sign of God's promise to me, like Noah, that he would never strip me of everything I love again, that he would be my home, and provide for me and bless me tangibly with deep friendships and a feeling of a stable and consistent family.  That he would use me to do great things for him...to make a difference to others...

Lately, I've been doubting this promise.  I've been doubting God, honestly.  I apologize to him almost every day for my lack of faith, and I ask him to give me more, because I feel uncertain about my future here in Kiev.  I've been reading the Bible over (I've only read it once through completely, and I want to change that...so I decided to put a bookmark in my bible and keep reading until I finish it--even if it's only 1 chapter a day, and to keep doing that for the rest of my life.)

So, anyway, I'm in Genesis, and I'm reading about Abram (Abraham's name before God changed it).  I really feel God speaking to my heart.  Abram left his home and comfort because he trusted God when He asked Abram to leave, assuring him that He would bless him.  Yet Abram faced a famine on the journey, and began to doubt that God would protect him on the way to this great promise.  (I feel like I am experiencing a certain famine of fellowship and camaraderie here.  I think I feel isolated, or like I don't really belong.)

Abram chose to protect himself by getting his wife to say she was only his sister.  This almost caused others to sin, if God had not stepped in to reveal Abram's deceit.  Yet, God still considered Abram a friend, and promised to bless him beyond his wildest imagination.  And Abram expressed his disappointment in God's promise, since God hadn't given him an heir for everything God would give him.  So God assured him that he would have descendants more numerous than the stars or grains of sand.  And Abram STILL went along with his wife taking matters into her own hands, by sleeping with her servant to get an heir.

I feel as thick as Abram lately.  I feel like I'm taking precautions in my mind, in case God doesn't come through for me like I believed he said he would.  (Woah, this is humbling just writing.)  I feel like I've been developing back-up plans if this trip should turn out to be another mistake I made in discerning the voice of God.  I've been imagining a brighter future for myself, taking matters into my own mind, which is just a step before taking them into my own hands.

Seriously!  I don't feel like God is protecting me from the things I've feared--nor do I feel him blessing me as I imagined he'd promised.  Yet, like Abram, I'm realizing that when God makes promises, he gives us time and tests before fulfilling them--to allow hope to grow.  Hope in him.  Faith that he will make good on his promises.  When God makes promises, there is usually a period of waiting, and trials which provide us with the choice to trust and obey, to follow, even when we don't understand how this painful and winding road will lead to the promised land.

I don't feel like I'm making much of a difference here, but then again, everyone I confess that to tells me that I'm doing more than they are, or others...that I am making a difference to them.  Yet, I feel afraid that I am disappointing God, that I'm not doing what he brought me here to do.  This thought usually comes with an image of who I should be (so much more than I am), or a comparison to how much better someone else would be for this missionary role.

Yet, I look back over the last five months (I can't believe I've been here for almost five months!), and I see what God has allowed me to be part of:

• Three teen camps in one month, leading to 3 teen baptisms soon after.
• A baptism, and current follow-up studies with Julia.  We get together every week, on Wednesday, have dinner, and read the scriptures of one of the 10 follow-up studies from my church back home, the Turning Point.
• Julia is actually translating the studies into Russian after we go through them, and our Bible Talk has begun to go through the studies separately with the guys and girls, so that we are all on the same page.
• Halloween party with great fun and fellowship with guests and friends.
• I've made friends with a missionary couple from the states who are very kind and helpful.
• Chris and I have made friends with a foreign couple who are really fun and friendly, Barry and Linda.  Barry is from Ireland, and Linda is from Chris' home, South Africa.  We watched a rugby game together and had a blast watching the Springboks win against England (go Boks!).  We are hoping to hang out again next week.
• Thanksgiving dinner with our church small group.  Great bonding!
• Denise (one of the brothers in our family group) and Sasha (one of the girls I got to know and watch become a Christian shortly after I came to Kiev) took me out shopping for warm clothes on Saturday.  
• They presented me with an offering taken up by the group on my behalf, to help me afford some really good boots and a jacket to get me through Kiev's bitterest winters.  I was so touched.  Thank you, guys...I feel very warm and protected in my new down and fur.
• Having fun and friendly conversations with numerous English-speaking guests at our small group events.
• I'm really getting to know the people in our family group.  They are each incredible, and I can't wait to be able to speak to them more fluently.
• Though I'm not as fluent in Russian as I wanted to be, I am able to say a few things now, and to understand things I couldn't before.  I'm making progress, though slower than I'd hoped to.

Wow...writing all of that totally encourages me!  God has done a lot in five months!  It's just so easy to doubt sometimes, when we don't understand what's going on, or when we compare ourselves to someone else, or just to our own high expectations.

What inspired me to write this blog was a dream, or vision, I had last night.  I didn't realize it might be from God until later, but it hit me like an epiphany when I did.

I've been having dreams of home and my past friendships almost every night for the past few days, and home has been weighing on my heart for weeks.  Last night, I prayed in my heart for God to help my dreams to be more righteous, so that I don't wake up feeling more doubt or regret or longing for the past.

Well, last night I did have another dream about home.  I dreamed that I was in some kind of elementary school, and all of the preteens from my ministry ran out to greet me, because I had just landed and come home to LA.  I hugged them with tears in my eyes from joy, and told them how I'd missed them.  Then we started devotional, and Brandon was there being his usual crazy, inspiring, giving youth-leader self, and it started raining.  Everyone squealed with delight, and then as Brandon was speaking, tying in spiritual points to the analogy of a storm, I had a "Double Rainbow Guy" moment and shouted in awe as I pointed behind them all at the most glorious, vibrant, and unique rainbow I had ever seen.

We all turned our heads to where I pointed, where the rainbow started in a traditional arch, then suddenly twisted as another line of rainbow bowed symmetrically around the other side of the arch.  (I wish I could draw it for you...)  But it didn't stop there.  Oh no...

As our eyes followed the rainbow shaft higher into the sky, trying to find where it ended, we gazed in wonder as it twisted horizontally, and took on the shape of a red vine liquorice stripe, then a Twizzler's pull-and-peel, where two bands of glowing color (from violet to blue and red hues) wound around each other and looped in the sky like a rollercoaster track.  It contorted in so many different shapes and colors, elegant and ethereal, before dipping down across the other side of the sky, to connect finally, beautifully, with the other edge of the horizon.

In the dream, I pulled out my camera and hastily began to snap a panoramic photo, trying to line up the edges of the rainbow with the edges from the last photo, to get one long, connected image of the miracle surrounding us.  I had a hard time getting the best angles for the shot, as the rainbow twisted spectacularly and made it difficult to capture.  Everyone told me to hurry, and gave opinions on how to take the pictures, but then someone else told them to hush so that I could concentrate and get the shots before the rainbow disappeared.  But it wasn't disappearing.  It was staying as bright and vibrant as a technicolor movie.

Again, when I woke up, I was stabbed anew with longing for home, but this time with more hope for being in Kiev.  I remembered the joy I feel serving in youth ministries, and remember what Shawn Wooten told me once here, how "You're magic with children--you're like a magnet."  That's what I wanted to do when I came here--help with the youth ministries...help with the orphanages.  (I think I'll explore how I can help them, again.)

Then I remembered the rainbow in the dream, and the connection of rainbows to God's promise to me.  And I felt so strongly that I need to stay here in Kiev, for as long as God wants me here, and I need to stop entertaining the idea that I can go home and start over...rebuild my life the way I remembered it.

I need to let go of the memories of my comfort as much as I needed to let go of the comfort to begin with.  I need to live here in Kiev, heart and soul, until God calls me home.  This is my home--I need to make this my home.

That thought scares me.  I've clung to the idea that I still have a home in LA, waiting for me should this trip not work out according to my desires.  Now I feel God telling me, once again, to let go of my life-lines, and to cling only to him and the path (or roller-coaster rainbow track) he's charted for me.  That scares the tar out of me...

But what other choice do I have?  It's God's way or bust.

In the words of Asaph, who wrote Psalm 73, "Whom have I in heaven but you, Lord?  And Earth has nothing I desire besides you."

So, though I'm riddled with doubt and fear, I will follow you, God.  Wherever it is, and however long it takes to get there, I will follow you.  I want to be your friend...I want you to feel my trust in you.  I want you to know that I believe you love me as a friend, and see that I love you, too.

Stay with me, God.  I'm not leaving you.  Even if the world throws me into the furnace, I'm not giving up on you...I'm not giving you up.

What promises has God made you that you find yourself doubting?
Believe that God won't give up on you...and don't give up on him.  Let's wait and see how he fulfills his promise, just like he did to our fathers/mothers of faith in Hebrews 11.  Let's take him at his word and follow him, even when we think he's leading us astray.  Let's believe he knows better than we do, let's suspend our belief in the way things have worked for us, and let's believe in miracles...

And let us remember that rainbows can only be seen after a storm...

Thanksgiving Weekend in Kiev

Happy belated Thanksgiving, everyone!

It's been a little longer than usual since my last post, but I have had an amazing Thanksgiving weekend here in Kiev.  :)  I love sharing my favorite traditions with new friends who have never experienced them before, and who appreciate them as much as I do.

My Thanksgiving traditions usually included turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sparkling apple cider, and other such delicious foods.  However, since I became a Christian, I've loved also spending time with God and telling him how grateful I am for how he has changed my life and given me more than I could ever have imagined.  I also love sharing this gratitude with my fellow believers and church family, which I was able to do here in Kiev.

We usually meet on Thursday nights as a small group for a little talk about the Bible and fellowship.  This week, I asked if I could host a Thanksgiving dinner.  I had already asked my mom to send some of my favorite childhood food recipes (thanks, Mom!), and I looked some new ones of my own up for those I didn't have.  It was amazing!  Not all of the ingredients are common here in Kiev, but with the help of one of the gals in my group, Nastia (who always cooks amazing dinners for our group on Thursdays), we were able (with our limited ability to communicate) to get everything, even a turkey small enough to fit in the oven! (Ovens here are half the size as in America.)

It was perfect!  Everyone loved my Mom's famous mashed potatoes, which I've made traditionally for almost every Thanksgiving dinner or potluck I've attended as an adult.  When I asked if anyone wanted seconds, nearly every plate shot out.  I laughed out loud, I was so happy they enjoyed them as much as I did!

We poured out the Zhivchick (a sparkling apple drink here that is marketed more as a soda, but tastes just like sparkling apple cider, to me), and I made a toast.  I shared the origin of the Thanksgiving holiday and why we celebrate it, and connected with how I relate to the pilgrims.  They had come to a foreign land by faith, and though they suffered, God provided for them and gave them new friendships and new abundance.  They had given up everything, not knowing what future awaited them.  Like them, I have felt scared and alone, yet I have been amazed at how God has provided for me in unexpected ways.  And I have made incredible new friendships that I believe will only grow stronger as I keep giving my heart and walk by faith.


Thank you, my true and faithful God.  Though the world may not recognize you, or realize it is from your hand their blessings come, you are the source of all good things, and I honor you in my heart this weekend, and say, "THANK YOU!" for caring for me and providing food, shelter, and friendship, even on the other side of the ocean.

Thank you, everyone, for being a part of God's blessing to me.  My family, my old friends, and new Kiev relationships...

Thank you.  May God bless and provide for you and your loved ones, and may you also experience the joy of giving thanks to the true source of everything we have to be grateful for.

God's Rollercoaster Ride

Life is a roller-coaster. This has been an exciting week for me, personally.

Why, you ask?

I am beginning to feel the sunlight at the end of the tunnel of doubt and fear. That's right, perseverance does indeed develop character, and character hope, which does not disappoint us.

I truly am realizing what a blessing this story is that I've been swept up into. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been impossibly difficult, either. It's life, I'm learning, and I'm learning to enjoy it--ups and downs included. After all, ever since my sister tricked me into riding one (thanks, Briana), I love roller-coasters. Makes me feel alive!

Of course, I want my adventure and thrills to come while riding the roller-coaster God designed for my life, and accomplishing the tasks he's prepared for me along the way. Not the illusion of ups when I try to do things my way, then the inevitable fall when I realize it just doesn't work.

I have been attacking the language here (much more than I was previously), and am happy to say that I finished 1 of 3 Rosetta Stone courses for Russian. I need to move much faster through course 2 and 3, especially since I will be leaving the Russian-speaking world for a month in about 5 weeks.

Yep--I'm spending the Holidays in South Africa with my roommate, visiting my boyfriend's family along with his best-friend, and touring the countryside's most unique attractions.

Today I started my first mini English class with my 5-year old student and 2 of her playmates.  I felt like a teacher again!  We all had a great time learning to English video lessons for children.  I'm grateful that God is expanding my work in this age-group and area.  I'm growing attached to the little monsters. ;)

Okay, I'm off to enjoy some time with our small group at church.

Until next time!

Summer Winter

Would you have ever imagined that a place which normally gets snow in November would get weather more suited for spring or cool summers? Not only is Kiev experiencing such weather (61 degrees F. now), but I hear that L.A. has had 95 degree days recently.

I'm not sure if this is global warming or some fluke, but I have to ask you--do you believe God can change and control the weather? Do you believe he would if you asked him to?

Sounds crazy, huh? I think there was a guy in the Bible who fits that description--what was his name again?

James 5:17 (New International Version)

17 Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years.

Okay, that sounds like serious faith, right? I mean, Elijah was a prophet. He was special. God gave him supernatural prayer ability, belief, and...well...back in those days, God did more miracles to show people He existed. He doesn't do that kind of stuff anymore.

Really? (Mt 17:20, Mt 13:58, Numbers 23:19)

Am I special because I prayed God would help someone find what they had lost within the next 5 minutes, and they found it within the next few seconds? NO! It's God who performs the miracles, who has the power, who does good things for us, and helps us when we ask--even for something as "small" as finding misplaced keys.

So, what's my point with all of this?

I experienced a breakthrough in my faith last night.

First, I was recently facing losing an English student I've been teaching for the past 2 months here, my only source of income. The situation seemed bleak, but I convinced her mom to work with me and find the best decision for her and her daughter before making a final decision. I honestly felt like the situation was lost, but I went through the motions of prayer.

Second, I've been trying to find a stable home here in Kiev for the past 4 months without success. Each closed door chipped at my faith, but still I prayed.

I just did a follow-up study with Julia, teaching her about prayer from a series I received from my home church, the Turning Point. I was so convicted during the study, that I asked if I could say a quick prayer about these 2 things right then.

This prayer was so different! I prayed expecting God to fulfill my request, as if there was no other option--it was just going to happen, and that's it. I felt so hopeful and excited to see HOW God would answer my prayer, that the worry and fear was GONE. I really believed God wanted to give me what I asked for.

"But what if he doesn't?" Yeah, that's the doubt that kept me from really having faith at all. No wonder faith isn't related to logic AT ALL.

I believe, therefor it is. Of course, like Jesus, my heart is to surrender if God should answer "No" to my requests, but if that's the case, it's only because it's even BETTER than what I was asking for. (Ro 8:28) You just can't go wrong with asking God for help!

Anyway, after praying with Julia and seeing her off, I checked my email to discover that my student's mother wants to continue lessons for her daughter once a week, for which I'm so grateful.

Also, there's another possibility to move into a great apartment here with some amazing sisters. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm so faithful that it will happen according to our prayers, that I'm already counting off the days to when I can finally unpack.

I'll keep praying and asking God what's best, and keep believing that He is as good and willing to help me as He claims He is!

Maybe I'll start praying for snow, next.

Naaaaaaah.... ;)

___________________

What desires have you given up on praying about? Can you pray again, banishing every doubt and expecting that God has already said a joyful "YES" and is working on it?

Nightmare Before Christmas in Kiev

Every year back home in L.A., a few of my friends who are fanatics for the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas," would throw a Halloween party in which we would decorate both for Halloween and Christmas, and watch the movie together while singing along with subtitles.  It's my fondest Halloween tradition to date.

Since they don't really celebrate Halloween here in the Ukraine, I thought I would carry on the tradition and throw a "Nightmare Before Christmas" party for my friends and their guests here.

It was so fun!  We carved pumpkins, had bloody fingers (cocktail wieners wrapped and baked in tortilla strips with a dab of ketchup on the end), and a costume contest after watching the movie.  One of the brothers, Roma, who speaks English fairly well, translated for the others.

We all had a great time, and about 6 guests enjoyed the party with us. 

As soon as I get the pictures, I'll post them up.

Until then, just wanted everyone back home to know that I'm with you all in spirit, even though an ocean separates us. Happy belated Halloween!

Julia's Baptism

As I mentioned in one of my previous blogs, I had the honor of being in some Bible Studies a few weeks ago with a woman named Julia.  She made the decision to make Jesus her Lord, and we had the honor of baptizing her into Christ last week!

I've watched her heart open up and blossom as she has come to know God's love for her more and more.  I am constantly amazed and awed at the power of God's love working and transforming a person's life.

Here is some video footage of the amazing event!  I feel so happy to share this with you, to have experienced this, because this is why I came to Kiev.  This is why I'm here.  To help people come to Christ, and have a real relationship with their creator and true father: God.

Please pray for me to give my whole heart here, for God to use my efforts to make a real difference.  To Him be the glory!

Plugging into Purpose

Isn't it amazing when you feel plugged in to real purpose?  When you feel like, "Yes, this is what I was made for!  This is making a difference!  This is why I was born!"

I have been feeling that more and more here in Kiev, a place I never would have dreamed that God would make so many unspoken dreams of mine a reality.

Last week I did some voice acting! Can you believe it? I've always wanted to do that, even though I never pursued the career.

Chris' employer asked us to record narrative and character voices for an educational project they are getting a loan for, which could be a 2-year gig. Wow. I never expected this, but I'll be thrilled if it works out!

Also, I am working on starting another media project here for the church. We plan to go out into the city and survey random people about what they think about religion, God, and their own relationship to each. It will be interesting to see how the people here feel.

I'm starting to find my voice here, so to speak.  It feels good to be able to start helping in a way that I am passionate about and good at, and to feel the support of others in those endeavors makes me even more confident that God is doing this, not me.

As long as God is blessing it, I know it will make a difference.  And I'm just praying to stay plugged in to what God wants for my life, because I am realizing more and more that there is nothing more worth living for than His will for us!

"His good, pleasing, and perfect will." (Romans 12:2c - NLT - emphasis mine)

How about you?  Is there something in your life you feel God calling you to, but are afraid of?  Try telling God why you're scared, then decide if you really believe the above scripture for that area of your life.

Adjusting and Trusting

So, it's been over 3 months now since I arrived here in Kiev. That is the longest I have ever lived outside of my country, away from home. Wow...kind of unreal. I can feel my old life slowly fading into a memory, as my new life in Kiev is born. It's been both painful and rewarding, and it's still going.

I am about to decide if I should move permanently to a new apartment in Kiev or stay in my current living situation. There are pros and cons to both options. I need to pray a lot today, because I have to decide by tonight, either way.

I am still working to sell my car back home. Please pray that it gets taken care of within the next few weeks.  That's my last obligation in America to take care of.

Otherwise, I feel more and more excited about the opportunities God is presenting here in Kiev to work and have purpose.

Where will God take me next, I wonder?  Always an adventure doing it His way!

Visiting Poland: Day 2

We've got some catching up to do!

Okay, so I have to leave the Ukraine every 90 days to renew my registration there. The cheapest trip I could find recently was a WizzAir flight to Poland, so here I am! I booked a 2-night stay at this cute little hostel called "Mosquito Hostel," and am now typing my blog from the common-room's computer. :)

Yesterday was great. I woke up feeling a little better (had a nasty fever the night before), and somehow packed in time to hop into my ride's car. Denis, one of the brothers from my Bible Talk, was nice enough to pick me up at 7:30 in the morning to drive me to the airport.

On the bus transfer from the airport in Katowice to the city of Krakow, I met a nice lady named Julian, who is also a missionary in Kiev with her husband and 3 children. She let me know of a way to get a longer religious Visa from Krakow the next time I get one for the Ukraine, so I don't have to leave every 3 months. Hmm...promising.

Anyway, I met some nice people touring the Salt Mines of Kiev: a cute old coulpe from England, and a man my age from Ireland named Seamus. Yes, an Irishman named Seamus (pronounced Shamus). I just can't get enough of the accents in this town!

Had dinner at a cute little Polish restaurant, where I was treated like a queen by the host, and ushered into a candle-lit dinner-table for four (all for me, muah ha ha). I had a scrumptious hot meal, and soaked in the romantic, warm, atmosphere. There was a pianist playing cheery Polish folk melodies from the other room, the waitress was helpful and friendly, and some other customers dining came by to chat about how unique my food was (fried perogi on a hard, flat, pizza-looking bread plate).

How good it is to joke with strangers, as if we all hadn't a care in the world! The trust...the openness...the acceptance. Ahhh...I had no idea how much I've missed this.

In contrast, Kiev looks...well...starkly opposite. I have already noticed myself smiling less to strangers in Kiev, afraid to attract the wrong attention in the city. Maybe it's smarter not to stand out, but I miss being myself, expressing myself without worrying about what others will do or what the consequences will be.

Is this how my ancestors felt after Hitler came to power and their home began to change from cheerful freedom to frightening opression?

In a few hours, I will visit Auschwitz with another American I met at the restaurant I ate at last night. I have a feeling this will be a very sobering tour...

I will post my thoughts in the next blog, along with some pictures of my recent adventures. :) Check back in a few days!

God is Near

So, I told you that God has been giving me themes during certain weeks of my life, especially since I started praying about giving up my life to let God lead me wherever he wanted.

Well, he's been a bit quiet over the past month or so. I've been really missing that feeling that God is close, that he's almost physically present in my life. So, yesterday, as I was crying out my grief in a prayer, I told God that I missed feeling him, and asked him to come close to me again--to give me a theme, so I'd remember that he is with me.

Today, He confirmed the theme that was already surfacing over the past few days:

God is near.

How did he confirm it?  I receive daily scriptures from BibleGateway.com, and they're usually random, encouraging passages from the Bible.  This was today's:

Isaiah 55:6
"Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near."

The day before that, my incredibly-thoughtful boyfriend gave me a little cell-phone charm of a sheep holding a flower above the Russian words for "God is near."  (Have I never shared on my blog that I got a boyfriend 10 days after I landed in Kiev?  Sorry to keep you waiting on that bit of juicy gossip.  More on that amazing story another blog.)

The day before THAT, I had expressed to friends that God didn't feel as near, and I was wondering if I had gotten off track from His purpose for my life, somehow.  Maybe I had sinned, and strayed like wayward sheep I am....  I had been feeling distracted by life and not really consistent or wholehearted in my times with Him for the past few days.

So, I definitely am grateful that God answers prayers, and that in order to feel him near, all I have to do is to seek him with ALL my heart.  (Jeremiah 29:11-13)  It wasn't that God wasn't near, but that He was waiting for ME to draw near to HIM!  (James 4:8)

Thank you, my God, that you want a relationship with me--a real, mutual, give-and-take relationship.  You don't force yourself upon me, but let me desire you as much as you desire me.  Thank you for wanting that kind of relationship with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.

How can you draw near to God this week?  Try giving him everything you've got, and see if God doesn't respond.

Update on SMART GOAL #1

Okay, so you may be wondering whatever happened to the SMART goal I set a few weeks ago to be 10 minutes early to every appointment.

It was going GREAT the first 5 or 6 days.  I was arriving early, sometimes by 30 minutes or more, just to make sure.  It felt so good to have time to think, relax, or write in my notebook while waiting and not feeling rushed or guilty for being late.

Then I started getting overconfident.  I started to budget less and less of a buffer, getting to my destination 6 minutes, or 5 minutes early, rationalizing that I was still on time.  One compromise and rationalization led to another, until finally, I gave up the goal completely.

I actually remember the moment of the decision.  I rationalized that I was at the mercy of someone else's schedule and decision.  I gave up my own integrity to surrender to the other person's prerogative, instead of communicating that I wanted to be at our destination earlier than they suggested, because people were waiting and I wanted to respect their time.

I chickened out.

I've noticed what a coward I can be when I don't want to be rejected.

The Schema Therapy would categorize it under the "Subjugation" schema.  I subject myself to the other person's desires without even expressing my own, because I'm afraid of their rejection or angry response.

So, I'm going to try SMART GOAL #1 again.  :)  It has made a big difference already in my habit.  I'm beginning to be early to appointments more consistently since then.

And if I find myself ready to compromise in order to avoid rejection, well, I get another opportunity to respond differently!  So, here we go again.

One week, 10 minutes early to each of my appointments, starting today, ending next Tuesday.

Speaking of which, I'd better go get ready so I can be early to my tutoring session!

I'll keep you posted!

Roll Away the Stone

Don't you love it when God speaks RIGHT to your heart?  When his message and presence are as obvious as Jesus standing beside his empty tomb?

He did it again for me today, using a lesson from Living Spring audio library: "Relationships: The Most Important Relationship."

It's centered around the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back from the dead, in John 11.

So, the people tell Jesus his friend, Lazarus, is sick and dying.  When they get to the city, they get the news that Lazarus died.  And the people had to deal with the fact that Jesus had failed their expectations.  "Jesus didn't heal Lazarus...Jesus was wrong...?  He who opened the eyes of the blind couldn't keep this man from dying?"


The entire point of the sermon?
"When we stop giving God advice and we start giving him access, then our lives change."

Our journey through life is just us discovering what God already knows.

When I go through my pain, God goes through it with me.  He sees what I'm going through and says, "Invite me to go with you...I'll bring your heart back to life."  He wants to journey with me through whatever is bothering me.  He asks, "What is it?  What's troubling you?  Come to me...tell me..."

He doesn't just hear our problem, but tells us how to get out of our tombs.  We want to be rescued from the grave, but aren't willing to do the work to roll away the stone.  Like Mary, we say to God, "But it stinks in there!"  The cave is shallow--when you roll back the stone, everyone sees it, and that's what we're afraid of.

If Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and they DIDN'T roll away the stone, he would die again!  He would suffocate.  It's not just about being saved, but about being FREE, enjoying the benefits of a healed and changed LIFE.

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

Personally, I feel like I came on this mission to Kiev hoping to see God's glory...to see him work miracles in my life.  To watch him show his amazing power through me, and what I would experience.  I thought the miracles would be abundant, instantaneous, and painless.


I didn't expect him to wait to perform the miracle.  Like Mary and Martha, I find myself saying, "If you had been here, he wouldn't have died!"  My dreams, my hopes, my expectations wouldn't have been disappointed...I wouldn't be wrestling with faith.

I didn't expect him to ask me to do the work of rolling away my stones, exposing the stinkiest places there so others can see.  (My faithlessness, my insecurity, my core emotional needs....)

My heart is crying out, "Where are you, God?  Why are you letting my dreams, my hopes, my desires die?  This isn't what I expected....I thought you would be here to protect me from pain and disappointment!"

Yet Jesus is saying to me, "I'm glad I wasn't there, so that you may believe." 

That I will believe that anything and everything is possible for him.  That I will believe that, no matter what happens to me, I'll be alive and free, because God is with me, he loves me, and nothing can come between OUR relationship.

And THAT'S what matters in my life.

God has put others in my life to help me take off my grave clothes!  I don't have to live according to my past, how I've responded to my pain and circumstances.  I don't have to live like a prisoner anymore.  I'm free!  But I do need help...

So, I can talk to God personally and say, "This is my problem.  I don't like this in my life, and I need it to change."

Even when I thought God had failed in my life, (failed to do what I expected him to), he is giving me another opportunity to believe in his unbelievable power and love.

And as Jesus said just before he raised Lazarus from the dead, I will see God's glory.

What's died in your life lately?  What issues are you facing that you feel like God didn't heal in time?  Try telling him what's troubling you, and ask for help in those areas--then roll away the stone and let him in.

Letters to God

I love journaling.  I love writing.  There is a sense of peace in expressing yourself in the privacy of a page.

 

I need it.  Especially writing to God.

Journaling helps me get honest with myself.  Really important if I'm going to be honest with God.  And the cool thing is that God wants me to talk to him about what's really going on in my heart!  He already knows, but he wants me to know that he hears me, that I'm worth listening to, and that he doesn't judge me or condemn me for feeling the way I do.

Thank you, God!  You really are the best listener I know.

Of course, it's nice to know that God doesn't leave me hanging if I need advice.  He speaks to me, too, personally.  No, I don't mean like from a burning bush or a whirling pillar of fire.

I like putting on my favorite tunes set to random play and let God speak to me through song.  Or he'll pop an idea into my head that speaks right to my need.  Or some insight from earlier in the day will connect to what I'm expressing.  Or (best of all), a scripture will come to mind (or sight, as I flip through the Bible) that is EXACTLY what I need in the moment.

The more I seek God, the more I find him--even in the darkest circumstances.

Like, right now, the tune that came onto my iPod is the remake of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwoʻole.  Rainbows are significant to me since I arrived in Kiev, because I feel God reminding me of the promises he made me...that he would always be with me and bless me, no matter what trials I've been through.  That he would personally go with me...

I needed that reminder tonight.

Thank you, God...

How does God speak to you?

If you can't hear him, try telling him what you really think, and ask him to answer right to your heart.  It's the best conversation you will ever have...

The Greater Gifts

Faith, hope, and love. The world, whether atheist or religious, applauds virtues such as these.

But what do we put our faith in?  Our circumstances?  Our relationships?  Our selves?  I could ask the same for hope.  I mean, my friends would probably agree that I'm a very hopeful and optimistic person, but I have never experienced such a testing and stretching of my hope as I am experiencing now.

I'm realizing how much I've put my hope in my circumstances (are things the way I want them to be?), my relationships (am I being treated the way I want to be?), and my dreams (will my life be the way I think it should be?)  If things aren't as I expected them to be (which they almost never are), does my world crumble and my hope shatter?  It has, so often...

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all..."  to quote one of my favorite Bible-authors, Paul.  "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Romans 8:24-25, NIV)

Of course!  Just because what I hoped for hasn't happened yet, does that mean I shouldn't hope for it anymore?  Just give it up?

In the words of Langston Hughes, "What happens to a dream deferred?"  Or of the wisest man in history, Solomon: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12, NIV)

Okay, so don't give up hope, right?  But...what if what I'm hoping for isn't guaranteed?  I don't think Paul was talking about winning the Lottery when he said "wait for it patiently."

Which brings us back to my original question: What do we put our hope in?

My conclusion?  The only thing that never changes: God.  What does that mean to me?  His Word.  His promise of grace and eternal life for anyone who would choose to believe in him, and by believing, truly follow him by living like his son, Jesus Christ.

At the risk of sounding religious, I am growing more and more convinced on this mission-field that Jesus is what he said he was--the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.  I don't know what way to go in life, I don't know what truth to believe, and I don't have a real life without this hope of God's grace and favor.

THAT'S what I'm choosing to put my hope in, now.  Nothing in this life is certain.  Everything changes (best friends move, or get married, relationships grow or separate), can be taken away (people die, economies falter, thieves break into your car or house), or lost (natural disasters, homes destroyed, things are misplaced, people forgotten).  Everything can disappoint you.  Everyone can disappoint you.  I would go so far as to say that everything and everyone WILL disappoint you, at some point.

That is, unless your hope is in something else--something that never fails (1 Cor 13).

If my hope is in the unchanging, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, always-gonna-come-through-for-me God, well...WHAT CAN TOUCH ME?  As Paul said in Romans 8, "If God is for me, WHO CAN BE AGAINST ME?"

So, come on, trials!  Bring on the rain!  If fire is going to purify my faith, hope, and love, then turn up the flame!

(Yet, like Jesus prayed, if there is any other way, Father, please don't make me go through this suffering.  Who in their right mind WANTS pain in their life??  But I'm preparing my heart to endure it, if what it brings afterward is greater than the pain itself.)

No pain, no gain, right?  So, I'm getting ready for Round 2.

Please pray for my faith, hope, and love.  I'm going to need them to fight the giants I'm facing...

Vulnerability

To share or not to share, that is the question.

The first week I arrived in Kiev, I attended a seminar called "Schema Therapy," which theorizes that people hurt themselves and others due to core needs not being met in themselves, which leads to developing schemas and ways to cope with the unmet needs.

Well, I'm reviewing my notes from that seminar, and I realize how much I've coped in my life, instead of actually getting the need met.

The focus of Schema therapy is to teach people to stop coping and to learn to be vulnerable.  This is the only way one we can truly and consistently get our needs met.  By acknowledging our need in a way that invites others to meet them, we have a great chance of those needs actually getting met.  It's so much better than trying to cope without them, isn't it?

Imagine trying to cope without food or water or AIR!  How long will that last?  Even though emotional needs are less obvious or tangible than the above mentioned, they are every bit as vital to the health of the individual.

You've heard of the saying, "Hurt people hurt people," right?

I'm learning to accept that I have emotional needs, and that these aren't bad or wrong.  It's actually responsible and mature of me to ask for my needs to be met in a vulnerable way, so that others have the choice to meet them, and I have the satisfaction of having them met.  Then I can actually see that people do love me and care about me, because I let them see how they can help me.  And they do!

I think I've resisted true vulnerability because I've had the crazy idea that people should know what I need.  (Yeah, you're supposed to read my mind, right?)  Then, since people aren't meeting my needs when they should know them already, I think it means they must not want to, so why would I be stupid enough to ask for help when I'm already facing rejection and abandonment?

Now I'm realizing that I've been flashing a blank street-sign and expecting people to know which way to turn.  No wonder there have been so many accidents at my intersection!!

I'm very excited to dig deeper into the ways I've been coping, so I can let them go.  And am grateful for every opportunity (as scary as they have been) to practice being vulnerable, to express my needs, and give my friends a chance to really be there for me.  I do need my friends...now, more than ever.

Thank you God, for these painful-but-liberating lessons.  Keep 'em comin'!

I Miss You...

I told my students back home that if I came to live in a foreign country, I was sure to feel lonely at times. I told them it would probably be hard, but that it would be an adventure. It would be worth it, because hard times have a tendency to grow your character in a way which comfortable circumstances won't allow.

So, here I am...feeling lonely.  It's really hitting me this week how much I miss home.

I miss my friends.  I miss scheduled hang-outs at Starbucks...the eclectic music in the background, the clean restrooms and soft toilet paper, and the availability of so many wonderful hearts to connect with.

Not that there aren't wonderful hearts to connect with here in Kiev.  There are an abundance of wonderful hearts.  I just don't know how to connect with them on the level I need.  Not only do they speak a different language (Russian or Ukrainian), but they speak another culture, refer to a different world of common references, thoughts, and philosophies.

Even those who do speak some English and whom I have been grateful to connect with have the unfair disadvantage of only knowing me for 2 months.  We have little shared memories, laughter, or experiences to bond us, and that's what I miss the most.

I miss feeling bonded with people.  I miss history.  I miss real friendship and loyalty that lasts through hard times and celebrates the good together.

I miss being in the pictures posted on Facebook with my fellow actors and friends from the Turning Point Church, being a part of putting on a faith-building production thanks to Kimba's great writing and directing.

I miss my improv family, and Pat's amazing humor and ability to bring out the best in each of us.

I miss my classes, my students, being able to impart wisdom or something of my experiences to inspire or motivate them to be their best for others--to be their best for themselves.

I miss expressing myself completely...
I miss being heard.
I miss feeling wanted.
I miss being missed...

I'm sure that there are people out there who believe in me, who love me, and who do miss me.  I am SURE of it.  I just miss being able to hug them, laugh with them, cry with them, pray with them, and hear them tell me themselves that they do...

I miss home.

And to all of my friends and loved ones reading this...

I miss you.  And I'm not giving up.

SMART Goal 1: Early to Appointments

The "On-Time" clock.

Okay, recap:

On Monday, I set a goal to be 10 minutes early to each of my appointments. So far so good! Just to clarify, the 10 minute aim is a buffer, not to be held to as the goal itself. The true purpose of the goal is to arrive early to each of my appointments, so even though I've been only 8 or 9 minutes early sometimes (miscalculating Metro times, etc.), I still feel that I am accomplishing my real goal. What do you think?

Anyway, being early to my appointments has been AWESOME. You would think it would be boring, waiting for 10 minutes (give or take) for someone else to show up, but it's actually a great time for me to reflect, to pray, or even to jot down notes or look at my daily schedule to make sure I'm on target with my goals/plans. Sometimes I'll just listen to my iPod and get lost in one of my favorite tunes, watching other people rush about their days.

It's also been interesting being on the other side of this situation, when others are apologizing to me for being late--which happens quite frequently here in the Ukraine, I'm noticing. But I can be gracious and feel great because I know I honored my word. It's empowering to know I can do what I say! And it's easier to let people off the hook when I feel whole and complete within myself.

Some quotes I'm going to consider this week I found on a "How to Be Punctual" article:

"If you are 5 minutes early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. If you're late, then you've got a lot of explaining to do."

Old military adage: If you're not 5 minutes early, you're 10 minutes late!

I'm beginning to feel the truth of these wise words.

Anyway, that's one small step for Shae. One giant leap for her future. Let's see how the rest of the week goes! Maybe I'll get to buy that sparkly pair of earrings I've been eying the past few weeks... ;)

Words and Integrity

Words are powerful, I'm realizing anew.

Being in a foreign country where I don't speak the native tongue, I've had a lot of time to consider language, and the importance of words.

Words are such a huge form of communication...when I say something, I am extending myself to someone. My words may contain love, hope, and joy--or they may contain hate, bitterness, criticism, or fear.

Yet the words are just a communication of what's inside. As Jesus said, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Mt 12:34, NIV) Who I am is what comes out of my mouth.

I've also heard a definition of integrity connected with words. That if we do what we say, we are in integrity, and if we don't, we are out of integrity.

So, I looked up the definitions of integrity. Here's one I found which seems to fit:

"Integrity = a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcomes."

If I am not keeping my word, I am, in a sense, a hypocrite (which means: "a person who pretends to be what he is not").

Without realizing it, I have been a hypocrite in my life in different ways.

For example, when I say I believe God is in control and that I believe he will protect me, then try to take control of a situation I don't feel safe in.

Or, on a smaller scale, when I say that I will meet someone at a certain time, then show up late. Even though I apologize and they forgive me, I wonder...can I even trust my own word when I speak? Does it mean anything to me, or to others, when I make a claim or a promise?

I want my word to mean something--both to others, and myself. I want my words to contain power, like Jesus' did. His contained power because they were true...what he said happened. Without fail. He lived according to what he claimed. He had integrity...he was whole, complete, and without pretense. Jesus was authentic.

I'm so grateful that I can put my hope in his word, because it never fails.

On the other hand, I often find myself speaking to impress people, or to present myself in a way I want to be perceived--then wonder why my life seems to lack impact, or my relationships seem to lack depth.

It's time to start fresh, with small matters!

I need baby-steps. (Any of my former students reading this?  Remember the 7 Habits?)   If I can't master myself (the private victory), how can I make a difference in someone else's life (the public victory)?  I need to build a solid foundation before I take on building an entire structure.

So, where have I been out of integrity lately?  Time-management.  I recently made a good friend of mine wait 20 minutes for me because I forgot to hang up my laundry before leaving the house.  This is not the first time I have been inconsiderate of someone else's time because of my lack of consideration of my own.  I've also been late to church, and barely on time (running) to other appointments.  Is this really the way I want to live my life?  NO WAY, JOSE! 

Before you think I'm being too hard on myself, I realize that this is a deep part of my character that won't change overnight.  But I gotta start somewhere!  Right?

In the school I used to teach, we used to set SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely goals.  That way, you can build confidence as you see your success, one baby-step at a time.  As my old college mentor, John Reid, used to say: "A steady drop will break a rock."

My SMART goal: Be 10 minutes early to every appointment this week.   

Which means I've gotta be careful to consider before I speak, so that I speak only what I can follow through with.

And just to make it fun, if I reach my goal, I get to spend $10 on whatever I want!  ;)  Who says personal growth has to be grueling?

I'll keep you posted on how I do!

Three in Three!

Okay, I promised some video footage from the teen baptisms we had (3 in 3 days!), so here they are.

It took longer than I expected, because I had to figure out a way to convert the file format, and the quality is poor, but hopefully you'll feel the heart through it, anyway.

The first one happened on the last day of the older teen camp. The girl's name is Nastia, and she is 16 years old. Her mom, also a disciple, served as the camp nurse, and got to baptize her daughter--how cool is that??



A couple of days later, we returned to Kiev and immediately had 2 more baptisms. Two of the girls from the younger teen camp, Sasha & Ania, have been studying the Bible, and each are just 13 years old. They were baptized in the river running through the city of Kiev. It was a beautiful event to see, and though I didn't understand the words being shared, I could definitely feel the love and gratitude from everyone.

Trusting a Promise

Wow, great sermon! Living Spring - Spiritual Boot Camp

I'll just write down the things that hit me the most.

Joshua 14:14, Caleb followed God WHOLEHEARTEDLY!  (I really want to have that said about me when I die.)

My perspective:
I look at people that I respect or admire, and I feel like a grasshopper in my eyes and theirs.

God's perspective:
We're ALL grasshoppers. God's standard applies to everyone, and each of us fall short of it.

The question is, why did God send out those people to spy out the Promised Land?  Did God forget what the land looks like, that there were giants in the land he created?

God wanted them to see, "There's no way you're doin' it on your own."
God wanted them to look around and go, "When this happens, there's gonna be no question that it's God."

God says, "And yeah, you should feel like a grasshopper, but guess what?  I'm here!  I'm God!  I've done it before!"

God says, "Pull the trigger, NOW!"  and I say, "Yeah, but..."

Break out of the idea that God's not in control.

2nd Cor 11

The idea is that the blessing just shows more of who God is.  Not that we arrive in some spiritual, comfort Disneyland.

Why does God allow us to be in situations that are so hard?

What did Paul get for all of his spiritual revelation and the way God used him?  A thorn.  A tormentor.  So what is his response?  To BOAST of his weakness!  Actually celebrate it! (Or at least how God can use it, right?  "Look, honey, they forgot to tell us we owe $2,400 in property tax.  Yay!  Not sure how God's going to provide it, but yippee for an opportunity for him to show us He provides in impossible circumstances!")

God says, "Hang in there. This is a process I wanna take you through to bring me glory."

Me: "I canNOT do this, God!"

God: "Exactly right!  The perfect position to be in!"

_____________________

May my weakness bring God glory...God knows I have a lot of it.

Specifically, I'm realizing what a horrible listener I can be at times.  Over and over, I hurt my friends by giving solutions and prescriptions for their problems instead of just listening and being a friend, or really listening to what they need instead of assuming that what helps me will also help them.

May God turn this weakness into glory, SOMEHOW...that he can still use me to help people really feel his love.  I definitely can't do it without him!

And I really don't want to wait 40 more years to enjoy the Promised Land!

What promise are you going to trust in hard circumstances?

Little Pleasures

So here I am in bed again, becoming more feverish as the seconds tick past.

It seems my pattern to narrowly avoid getting sick while everyone else suffers their flus and viruses, only to succumb to them in the end.

Mmm...tea.  I've grown a new appreciation for tea here.  With honey.  Yummy.  It's the little comforts in life that get you through, isn't it?

I'm learning that, lately.  God is a God of comfort, and there's nothing inherently bad about pleasure.  I mean, God is the source of every good gift, right?  He made the things which give pleasure, made our brains with different parts and different functions in order to feel pleasure.  So, I have God to thank for the tasty treat on my tongue, and all the ways he makes life beautiful, even when it's challenging.

So, I'd like to give God a tribute for all of the little pleasures he's given me to carry me through hard times:

Flowers...Kiev's underground streets are full of shops with gorgeous flowers.  The smell is fresh and alive, such an aroma-oasis in a city filled with pollution and second-hand smoke.  The colors and arrangements are beautiful, and there are varieties which I never new existed.  I'll try to remember to take pictures and add them later. (Sept, 29th, Just added the pic below!)

Rain...it washes everything, makes things grow.  It freshens the air and cleanses my soul.
(Fuzzy brain makes cheesy rhymes, but when has cheesiness ever been a crime?)

On that note, thank God for corny humor.  You may disagree, and that's okay, but I find it simplistic and refreshing, and innocent.  :)  There's no pretense or insult in a corny joke!  (Not one that I've heard yet.)

Cancellations...I often don't know when to stop, to slow down, and just rest.  I think I feel guilty or unproductive, which may lead to bouts of sickness like this.  I was going to cancel some English-tutoring lessons today, but it turns out the client had to go out of town anyways, so they canceled for me and I get to rest for another week without guilt.

Irish Step...I tagged along with a friend to an Irish Step class last night, and we both agreed that the music is impossible to resist.  You just can't stay unhappy listening to Irish step music!  Try it!  (Sorry for the video--don't watch if you get motion-sick or have epilepsy.)




So, thank God that, even in Kiev, I can learn to Irish Step, something I've always loved to do (joking around at dances), but never actually considered pursuing.  Maybe I'll keep attending class and come back to America a Russian River Dancer.  ;)

Well, this post is long enough, I think.  I'll post again soon.  (I have plenty of time, at the moment.)

What little pleasures are you grateful for in your life right now?

V Kontakte - In Contact

I'm back!

I've just spent the last 2 weeks having the time of my life somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains of the Ukraine.   We had the most amazing younger and older teen camps!  The theme of the camps (each one week long) was "V Kontakte" or "In Contact," and the messages focused on how we can connect with God, and how he wants to be connected to us.

Even though I couldn't understand most of the messages (being that my Russian is still very weak), I was still very impacted by the video clips they showed in some of the lessons.

Take my favorite ones, for example:




I was so convicted by this last one.  I think the pie, for me, represents my time and heart more than anything.

There were so many great memories, I can only give you some snapshots:

Shaving-cream wars,          quests
                     with
         team-building challenges,
pillow fights,
                   3 meals a day, all-you-can-eat!
Jivchik (just like sparkling apple-cider)
                               face-paint
           silly songs               laughter

 lip-syncing music videos
                morning exercises with Sasha!

hiking into forests,
       picking berries, and wild flowers, and mushrooms, and

SLUGS
     froggies!
                            Kasha (like Malt-O-Meal or Cream of Wheat)
   Thunderstorms

Teen smiles,
    a baptism,

            Bohemian Bloopers!

You can view pictures here:

Younger Teens - Week 1
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=483653&id=594085260&l=fb7c281cf1

Older Teens - Week 2
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=483655&id=594085260&l=1bdbee79ec

More blogging to come.  Let's just say that these past 2 weeks were filled with amazing memories, some hard times (moments of deep sadness, missing home and my preteens--GO SHINING STARS--and insecurity), but the overall experience was wonderful, and God really encouraged all of us!

The most inspiring thing to watch was the baptism that happened the last Saturday of the older teens camp.  A 16-year-old teen girl became our sister in Christ, and the next day 2 more 13-year-old girls from the younger camp were baptized together in the river in Kiev.  I have never been so inspired to see young people choose to follow God with all of their hearts!

I'll work on a video and post in my next blog.  Until then!

Go with the Currents -- Enjoy the Ride!

This is a bit of a raw post for me, but I promised to bring you on this adventure with me, and that includes the hard as well as the happy.

Over the past week, I've noticed that I have had conditions on my service to God here.  I expected him to be with me.  I expected to be strong.  I expected to do miracles.  I expected to be able to handle the challenges without struggling, to face them without fear. 

I expected it to feel easy. 
I expected to be in control...

Reality?

I am in over my head.
I am not strong.
I am not in control.
Things are not going the way I'd planned.

As I remember the theme of the messages I've been listening to from home, a series called "The Wave," I am struck by the parallels I am feeling in it.  So, 6 months ago, I started praying for the wave God wanted me to ride, not the ones I wanted.  I saw it, got my board to it, and with God's help, I caught the biggest wave of my life.  It brought me to Kiev.  It brought me to my Promised Land.  And it's been quite a rush!

But now I feel like I've fallen from my board and am being swept along tumultuously by opposing currents.  For the first time, I'm completely aware of how exposed I am to the dangers of the deep waters this wave brought me to.  It wasn't supposed to be like this!  My eyes tightly shut against the burning salt water already rushing up my nose, I panic.  Hold your breath, Shaela!  Survival time.  Kick, fight, swim!  Where am I?  Are there sharks?  Where's the surface?  I can't breathe!

God's reply to all of this? 

Relax...
Stop fighting...
Let go...
Surrender to the currents...

Trust me.

My heart screams, "But, God, I'm scared!  I wasn't supposed to fall off the wave--I was supposed to stay balanced, to stay above the wind and waves.  I was supposed to walk on water.  You were supposed to protect me!"

Let go, Shaela.  Let go of your expectations.  Let go of how you think I'll work out good in your life.  Let go of "supposed to" and "have to," "should" and "must."  They are anvils that will drag you down.  Let go of "perfection" and cling to me.  I'm your board--I'm your lifesaver.  I will bring you to the surface.

And, together, we will find you a new wave...

Enjoy the ride, Shae.  Here comes another one!
________________________________

Where are you in God's ocean?  Enjoying the ride?  Or, like me, have you been fighting the currents instead of letting them carry you onto the next wave?

One thing is becoming clearer to me: I am not in control. 
I don't know where the surface is.
I am not strong enough to make it to shore on my own.
Better just relax and go with the currents...

And enjoy the ride!

Jehova Rapha: The God Who Heals

Today I met a wonderful man with a wonderful testimony of God's healing power.

Meet Hannes Pelser, a 51-year-old man from the Free State in South Africa.  He shared his story with us at lunch, and happily agreed to let me share it with you now.

It all started in 1993.  Hannes was on the brink of divorce due to his alcoholism and unmanageable anger.  Hannes relates how, on June 8th, he accepted the Lord and became a believer.  He started to live for God, but his life was threatened when, exactly one year later, on June 8th of 1994, he was diagnosed with severe cancer.  They found it in his lymph, and it riddled the bone of his neck.  He also had a brain tumor the size of a pigeon's egg.

After learning of his condition, Hannes went inside the hospital chapel, got on his knees, and prayed, "Lord, heal me to be a witness for you."

The doctors told Hannes' wife that he had 2 weeks to live, at most, 6 months.  They sent him home, and his health rapidly declined.  Even his vision began to dim.  Finally, when Hannes felt his life draining away, he felt God put 3 scriptures on his heart:

• Matthew 19:26, "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'"
• Matthew 21:22, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
• James 5:14, "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord."

James especially stood out to him one day, and he called one of his former drinking buddies.  He left a message asking him to come over.  His friend happened to be in the neighborhood and had stopped by later that day by chance.  (Or was it?)

That's when James 5:14 again came to mind, and Hannes asked his friend to anoint and pray for him to be healed.  Though his friend was not a believer, once he was done asking for healing, Hannes said that all pain was gone.  This same friend, 5 years later, became a believer.

Meanwhile, Hannes continued to gain strength and to pray that if God would heal him, he would be a witness for God.  A return check-up at the hospital in December of 1995 revealed that all cancer had completely disappeared from his body.  Even the original x-rays which showed his brain tumor had been cleaned!  No trace of a tumor remained.  It was as if it had never existed.

He had even been healed of his epilepsy! 

True to his word, Hannes has been going on missions for the past 15 years, spreading the good news that God heals, and praying for people to believe and follow the Lord.  Which is why we ran into him here in Kiev.

Hannes' story reminds us of what a completely surrendered life looks like.  "Wherever and however you want me to serve you, Lord, use me to testify of your mercy and miracle-working power."

We may suffer--Hannes suffered, as did the woman who had bled for 12 years before she touched Jesus' cloak and was healed--yet the God Who Heals specializes in turning pain into possibility, and misery into miracles.  Our God is a god who heals!

Lean On Me

So, here I am in bed at 9:37am, with a fuzzy head and a lingering temperature.  I'm listening to "Lean On Me" sung by Bill Withers as I consider which songs to teach the Teens for the 2 Teen Camps coming up.  These lyrics suddenly hit me:

"Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show."

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking about this in my friendships.  Do I let people see my needs?  I almost didn't want to tell people I'm sick, because I don't want them to think I'm complaining or that I'm a baby.

I went to a seminar on Schema Therapy my first week in Kiev, and they taught about different core needs every human being has.  There are ways we interpret these needs not being met, which become life traps that are triggered later in life.  These are unhealthy, distorted views on reality. (I'd even call them lies from Satan, if you want to take a Biblical perspective.)

I am realizing that one of the big lies I've believed is that my needs are bad, and I shouldn't have any.  Since I can't seem NOT to have them, I try to hide these wicked needs so that people don't figure out that there's something wrong with me (another big lie I've believed) for having them, and so won't abandon me or stop loving me (yet another lie).

Yet, as the song talks about, we all have needs.  We ALL need somebody to lean on.  This means YOU, Shaela.

"Nooooo!  I don't need anything.  I'm fine!  See?" *coughcough, wobble, crash*

And what does this do for my relationships?  Keeps them at a safe distance.  You can't leave or abandon what you never had.  You can't hurt what you can't touch.

And so my heart stays safe, hidden...alone.

Sometimes, it wakes up
in the darkness,
frightened,
reaching out
in the emptiness,
calling for help,
for friendship,
for love...!

But then remembers the
pain of rejection
when it has reached outside
before and been slapped away,
and so curls up with itself
again, 
alone,
and cries itself
to sleep.

Hmm...amazing that I forget so quickly that I am not alone in these feelings, in these needs.  Amazing how quickly I forget the truth.

So, let me try to reach out again, at the risk of being hurt, for the hope of being loved.  Let me tell my friends that I need them, that I want them in my life, that I am weak and cannot do this on my own.  Let me admit that I have and will fail them, though I wish I hadn't and never will again.  Let me ask for their mercy, for their forgiveness, for their love and affection, for I NEED them.  And--(I have to believe)--they actually need me, too.

What do you think?  Do you have any needs you're afraid to let show?  Maybe they've gone unmet in the past...

Thankfully, we can always reach for God, who will never disappoint these needs that draw us back to him.

Themes from God

Do you ever feel God speaking to you directly?  Like he's trying to get your attention, in a way that is special, just for you?  Or driving home truth to your heart, where it can change your life?

If not, I highly recommend asking him to do just that.

For the past few months, I've noticed God giving me little recurring themes at different periods of time.  For instance, the week or two before my trip, the word "angel" kept popping up in songs on the radio, and I'd feel like God was saying, "You're that to me."  An angel is a ministering servant, according to the Bible, but it is also a term of endearment I associate coming from a father-figure or loved one.  I wanted to believe God loved me like that.  It came up again in different ways.  Friends would say, "Hello, Angel," and I don't recall them ever calling me that before.  Or another friend used a little angel icon in chat to represent me.

Then, after I arrived in Kiev, I started reading scriptures that randomly tied in to the Promised Land, or Promises, about Noah, or Moses, and I kept thinking about a specific promise God made me almost 3 years ago, that one day my deepest desires and longings would be fulfilled.  I had asked him for a sign to know it was for me, not just a general scripture, and he gave me one.  I've never been so sure of anything in my life.  Now, it seemed that God was telling me that Kiev represented the fulfillment of that promise...the land where my dreams would come true.  Again, little things would pop up--a rainbow in the sky, two days in a row, a rainbow card in my Bible I hadn't noticed before, the lyrics of songs on my iPod saying, "He will keep his promise"," or a song written by a friend saying, "I believe he's made a rainbow just for you...."  Coincidences that can't be coincidences if you just allow yourself to believe.  For days, that theme rang in my heart.  I felt God reassuring me, because I had been feeling very afraid that these happy times would eventually come to an end, and I'd be back to where I started.  But I felt God promising me that I would never feel completely destroyed and alone again.  That he was promising to bless me from here on out, like Job after being tested and found true.  The hardest times of my life are over...that's so hard for me to believe, but thank God he doesn't give up on helping me see it.

Speaking of sight, that brings me to my latest theme.  When Chris first saw me on Facebook, he wondered what kind of name "Shaela" was, so looked it up.  He's told me it means "blind" or, a more preferred meaning, "from the fairy palace."  There have been many scriptures coming up this past week on blindness.  Ever since I learned about my name's meanings, I thought, "That's true--I can be very blind to who I am, or how people can love me."  For those that know me, I can be a very insecure person, and yet I don't feel insulted by that name meaning.  Like the words of Amazing Grace, I once was 'blind', but now I'm 'from the fairy palace'.  God's grace has made me royalty, a fairy angel, worthy, special, and filled with light.  Now I just need helping believing that...really "seeing" myself as God does.  So, this week's theme: being healed of blindness.

Yesterday in church, they read a scripture that related how Jesus had come "so that the blind might see."

Even this morning, I noticed for the first time that my stuffed animal named Jehova Rapha ("God who heals"), had no eyes or nose.  The dog in the apartment I'm staying at had ripped them off!  ("Niet, Cooper!")  So I got out my superglue and put Rapha back together.  God really does heal.  Then I remembered my theme..."I once was blind, but now I see," and again, I felt God telling me that he was going to answer my prayers.  Yep, I had started to pray for discernment last week...that I'd see myself the way God does, to see the needs around me, and the best way to meet them.  I've been told more than a few times by close friends that I lack discernment, and I finally asked God to give it to me, because trying to get it on my own hasn't worked.  That's like a blind man trying to do Lasik surgery on themselves!

So, here we are, in the week of Blindness, and my prayer is, "God, give me YOUR eyes.  I want to see your vision in my life."

How about you?  Is there something God has been trying to get through to your heart lately?  If you're not sure, try praying to hear his voice, and what theme he wants your heart to believe.